>the kind of sweetness you only find in the box of artificial sugars at that two bit hole in the wall they call an ego

>that chemically induced coma you’re entering is really nirvana and not some cock shit half life cooked up in a corporate kitchen

>I’ll never feel happy as long as I keep sitting around drinking from their rusty faucet that has became my path to pleasure

I think your imagery is very clever! If I were to make a change to it though, I would suggest rephrasing the second half a bit.

>no matter how you’ve constructed your life you’ll fall into a pit of sameness where everyone tries to be different in the same way, not understanding the transcendental purpose for which your life truly is,

>while I have become nothing but what I have always been

You're assuming that you're more enlightened than the reader? Hey man, yuppies can feel love too. And I have no problem with being challenged or insulted by a piece, but lines like "so that I can show you sick mother fuckers that I’ve been playing this game for the sheer joy it brings me" sound a bit petty and arrogant (in my opinion). The ending is great though.

What a steaming pile of arrogant self aggrandizing prose. Do you really think your opinions and thoughts are so deep and special?
How old are you?


I I I ME I ME ME MYSELF ME I ME ME LOOK AT ME IM SO CLEVER ME I I I I ME I'M SO DIFFERENT ME ME LOOK HOW SMART I AM ME IM SO INTERESTING

>>322

You are a dick.

OP I enjoyed it. Try it out at a slam.

>>309
Is that a good thing?

>>311
I think what >>309 is saying is that you're being-

A) Too direct; you're waving your literary dick right in their face.
and
B) Too pretentious; you're assuming the reader WANTS your dick in their face.

While this is a neat little grouping of words, it's not particularly complex. While something doesn't necessarily need to be complex for it to be good, that's what it seems like you were going for here. It seems that you're boasting a little too much, in that roundabout self-deprecating Micheal Cera kind of way. You also seem to write a bit condescendingly, telling (and asking) everything too directly while over-clarifying things such as your "dark mind" when you could just as easily allude to your mind as an attic or cellar without comparing it to one.

>>312

Thanks! I apprecieate the criticism. I don't really know how to connect to a reader so i don't usually take them Into consideration regarding the content in my writing.

I honestly do think my writing is shitty but i gotta practice and just write things down when they come to me, like the last two pieces I wrote.

Again, I apprecieate any and all criticism of my work!

:')
Sup bro?

>>315
No problem, broheim. You're never going to learn to connect to readers unless you attempt it though. I read your other thing about that chick in a coffee shop, and (while mundane and slightly neckbeardish) it was at the very least something I could relate to.

I think it would work best as a Slam Poem.

Without hearing it live, it looks like something I'd write in Year 8 thinking I was a rebel.

I'd go more into a specific detail about your city, rather than the entire spectrum of the country. That way you have a better chance of hitting people in the fucking face with a message.

I want you to say it out loud, with emotion. Fix it to how your voice needs to recite it. Then go perform it at a coffee shop on a Wednesday night.

>>279
I like this advice and think you should follow it, OP.

Your poem is kind of weak on paper but, as has been said, with strong recitation could be enjoyable to hear. Find a local slam night or open mic.

Yes, the rhyme scheme is a little weak but it would be greatly improved if you ironed out the cadence more. Recite it out loud; it doesn't quite flow like it should. Iron that out and the lame rhyme scheme won't matter as much.

i've been 160 for the last 4 months and ive been as poor as i can be in that time. :/

I like it!! After reading what you have I was left wanting more.
You give enough information to keep me interested while leaving out huge chunks that make me wonder about this race and their planet.
Keep Going!

The best way to do it is to find a comic club in your city, they have workshops and meetings where artists and writers meet one another. Ask your local comic book club.
I did this but i got so nervous at the first meeting I never went back, even though everyone was very friendly, I am just too award, even for meetings in the back rooms of comic shops.

>>260
That's actually not a bad idea. I'll see if the comic store near here has one. I'd imagine they do.

I'm moving to Atlanta soon as well, so I'll probably have a better chance there to fine tune my word-smithing.

Also, I did find some artists that are interested so here's hoping to that. Think I might use Kickstarter or IndieGoGo to help pay for their work.

“James you have saved your friend Witch from a terrible fate many years from now.
You will under stand soon enough.” I heard some one coming and ran till I found my
self falling from a cliff into the sea. “NOOOOO!” I cried out slamming my hand to the
wall of the island in attempt to hold on. Bones came out of the tips of my fingers and
I then slowed down leaving a long slash in the rock only a few inches away from the
waves. A little baby hydra came up and started sniffing me and I shot it with my free
hand. “Your right I should be happy because I saved Witch from being stripped.” The
voice replied. “Yeah about that there was more then that… Ummm see when a man…
You know what they will teach you this later maybe like fifth grade or some thing. You
will probably be taught it from a upper classmate.” Looking at the blood in the water
from the poor child of a hydra I just shot for no reason but out of instinct of protection I
asked. “So how am I going to get out of here and please tell me that things mother wont
come.”

I large creature swam up to me I could see its shadow in the water and see I was peeing

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Once huddles in with every one else from our year the assembly started. The principle
was able to create a image of himself in every assembly at the same time and it sounded
as if he was really there. Fear tactics was his specialty I could tell by the fact he had
habits of spreading darkness when ever he appeared.

The giant room filled with smoke on the ground and cloaked figures hovered above it and
then famished into thin air. They were the new hall monitors apparently. The stage lit red
and every thing else went into darkness. The Principle rose through the floor of the stage
hopefully a illusion.

“Children yesterday a student in the first year of grade one was murdered on school
grounds. His name was Yral Snark.” The room was filled with gasps. “The daughter of
the man who brought Mr. Leo to us was the first to discover the corps She also in year
one. She brought a upper class mate named Earl he kept her under control thankfully. She
was a prime suspect until it was found out the spell used on Yral to his brutal and terrible

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As I walk to Mr. Drake’s classroom I start to wonder why is it that since I came to this
school I started acting more mature. It doesn’t add up at all I mean before I came here
I enjoyed running around pretending I was some type of dashing hero or some thing…
Now that just seems embarrassing. Did I some how manage to become an adult at my
early age? No that doesn’t add up at all perhaps I should ask about it later.

I walk into the class and I am welcomed back. I await for some other students to return
before Mr. Drake tells us and brings us to our new dorms. All the students but Witch
are in the class and Mr. Drake starts to speak. “Okay students every one but Kai get in a
single file line to get assigned a new dorm that you will be stuck in for the rest of your
school life.

One student spoke out. “Are we aloud to move to a new dorm in case the one we are
assigned to hates us?” Mr. Drake glared. “Yes every one but you. Now let’s see.”
Mr. Drake assigned the students each to their new dorm only three of them actually

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I don't understand why people just upload a .doc or something on this board. It would make life so much easier for us to read. Or put it in a pdf

>>253
Because you have to download it to read it and I personally don't trust it, plus if it on the board it can be read here, though I'm a hypocrite on both accounts for posting a .doc in my thread.

Paul Wall #s 3 and 4 reach to restrain the woman, whom we now know to be called Janet, whilst Paul Wall #8 removes his grillz, with the intent to attach them to Janet's mouth and turn her into yet another Paul Wall. Despite struggling to escape Pauls 3 and 4, she remarked to herself how convenient it was that every Paul Wall had a large sign on its chest telling the number in the sequence of Paul Walls it was.

Then, just as the TOTALLY SICK GRILLZ were a mere inch from her face...

...Janet changed her strategy. Instead of resisting further she embraced #8, put her hand down his loose hiphop pants and began to massage his sphincter with slow circular movements.
He was caught off guard.

He began to sway back and forth in bliss, closing his eyes and tilting his head back. "Too easy" thought the woman, as she probed the roof of her mouth until she dislodged the razor blade she kept there, a nod to the time she spent in Harlem. The Paul Wall never saw it coming as she gripped the razor lengthwise and leaned forward, and in one deft motion, she

...forgot what she was doing. In a moment of filmy, gauzy recollection, the budgie out of the corner of her eye had reminded her of her favorite park-bench-bound activity. As she turned her head to see whether this week's supply of hardtack was adequate to feed the creature, the razor in her teeth sliced a neat bisection across Paul's carotid artery.

The cut she had made was so thin that it took a moment for the Paul Wall to notice what had happened. "Did this ho just bite me yo?" He asked out loud, seeking confirmation from one of his clones.

Paul Wall #4 reached for one of his guns as he answered "Grab yo tec, she cut'cho neck! Time to put this chick in check!"

>>195

I immediately love the expression "cheese and flipping rice." I'm going to use that every day.

SAGE has been used.

Are you me?

If so please contact me immediately. Other than that, your writings have a very cohesive flow to them which is nice. Though it does get darker than the beginning lets on, I have to ask why?

I don't understand why some of you guys are ticked off by the OP. This is good practice for writing in my opinion. Sure, maybe he shouldn't have shared it on here, but writing like this does help build up creative flow.

I took private writing classes back in high school and my instructor got me to do stuff like this once a week or so. It really does help, and even better when critiqued upon so that correcting mistakes becomes a natural habit and mistakes tend to disappear, though not completely.

Keep doing it, OP.

>>206
>I took private writing classes back in high school

Creative writing courses in high school are a goddamn joke. Any creative writing course, for that matter. While exercises like this can help enhance one's description, it's an beginner's course gimmick that doesn't help address the multitude of other aspects that go into crafting a good story; a much, much better exercise would be just writing a fucking story. Nobody that does writing exercises has ever been a successful writer. They're there to coddle you and make you feel good about how much you think you're progressing while neglecting the actual "progress" part.

And I'm mad because OP posted it here and wasted my time. I read half a paragraph of his stupid trite—half a paragraph! I can't be pissed to come here and critique people's stories every day, and when I get the time and patience to do so I'd like to have something to help someone improve, not someone's worthless garbage rambling.

SAGE has been used.

It seems self absorbed and rambling without being very interesting. Everyday mundanities are hard to make very compelling though, and you don't really attempt to bring the reader into your world, you just sort of launch into talking about yourself. Try writing a story about a glass of water and see how long you can make it.

Why was this dude banned? Ponies?

Anyway, you didn't really build a lot of suspense here, man. It was a cool little action short, but I didn't really give a shit about any of the characters, ruining any possibility of suspense. I'm sure you could make it longer and flesh out their personalities though.

Well, I liked it.

There wasn't a lot of character development, true, but it was still enjoyable, if more as an action piece than as a suspense piece.

I really liked how the OP didn't waste time explaining all the terms and backstories for every little thing, like who's crown was getting stolen, exactly. If it's necessary, then do it, but shit, can you imagine if Star Wars (1977) had taken the time to explain who and what everything was?

>>209

Yup. Ponies.

>>210
>can you imagine if Star Wars (1977) had taken the time to explain who and what everything was?

The fuck are you talking about? Did you have trouble paying attention for 12 seconds?

>"It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire. During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the Death Star, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet. Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Leia races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy..."

That's a back story. There's an evil empire. They're building a planet destroyer. Rebels are trying to steal their plans, which are in possession of Princess Leia, who's being chased by the stormtroopers. They don't go over the history of the empire or anything like that, but that had nothing to do with the story that was being told. Luke Skywalker didn't know or care about any of that shit, he was just thrust in the middle of this war and it was up to him to save the day.

OP, that's the problem with your story: we don't know what's going on. It's like starting a book by flipping open a random page instead of starting with page 1. If you were going for a nonlinear style and were planning to reveal the background of the characters, what they were doing, what they looked like, Catch-22 style, then fine, but as it stands this is just a scene of a greater story and without context there isn't a story.

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>>211
The film didn't explain who Jabba was, what the Jedi really were (even excepting fuckin' bacteria-based Force), what the clone wars were, what a lightsaber was, how space travel worked, how exactly Han & Chewie ended up in debt, what a moisture farmer does, etc, etc, etc.

The opening crawl didn't explain nearly as much as it seems.

>>216
>explain who Jabba was
>how exactly Han & Chewie ended up in debt
deleted scene after introducing Han had him run into Jabba and explained the debt. Moisture farmers farm moisture, its a desert planet, they need water, I knew that from the name. Technical science details weren't explained because Lucas had no clue how to make an explanation that didn't sound stupid, they needed the EU for that. The force is a quasi religious thing, it wasn't supposed to have an explanation, ever. Fuck the phantom menace.

My suggestion would be to find some pictures of scenery, natural or otherwise, and write descriptions of them. Let them sit for a bit, then reread them and try and picture the scene based on your description, then look at the pictures again and see what the differences are between your mental image and the original one.
In the meantime, stick to your strengths. different writers get know for different things. Being focused on something can work if you are good at it.

>>220
Thanks! That's a good suggestion, I might try it when I get home from work later.

Yeah, I've always been attached to the more emotional/personal side of things and everything seems to get lost in it somehow.

I'm not a fantasy fan. I try to read works that can show me something about the world, something that lets me be John Malkovich, so to speak, and see through the eyes of the character/author so that I may gain some perspective and spend my life being a tad less ignorant.

However, realistic fiction and fantasy fiction share the same struggle: attempting to craft a world so believable that the reader may immerse themself and see something beyond their sphere of influence. I've always really loved this C&H comic because I identify with it. Calvin lives totally in his imagination and loses himself in daydreams and fantasy. That's what I try to do when I write, and that's what you should do. Don't leave any stone unturned when you're constructing your universe. The worst thing you can do in any sci-fi or fantasy is to create a logical fallacy or a continuity error. You can stretch reality within reasonable means, but it's vital to create another world that can actually exist. It's a fantasy, but that doesn't exclude it from logic. Are the doanai herbivores? If not, then if they're so quick, nimble and yet mighty, how have the Riders been able to tame them? If the Riders existed, would they have chosen to ride the doanai? Does it make sense that an animal that could probably overrun the Riders (I'm imagining them as pretty much humans) would be dominated by them?

God I love Adderall.

SAGE has been used.

>>212
Thanks for that reply.

I've written realistic fiction before, but this is all new to me and I'm having a much harder time making it believable. You proposed great questions, though and I shall definitely look into it. In fact, I already have.

The thing with me is I don't want to have long expositions of why things are and rather explain snippets through either dialogue or observation. I don't want to tell the reader everything at once, just pieces along the way. I think for the sake of keeping the reader interested that would be best. I also have plot devices for some of this, such as some characters not knowing how things outside of their personal realm of experience work. So I'm hoping I can use that to an advantage.

The morning light rays spread through the deep woodland. The leaves hanging glowed with a green aura as the sun caste down upon them. Morning birds sang a chorus through the air, an awakening to all those that dwelled within the bounders of the woods. Deep Within by the wooded boundaries curved a small stream. Its shallow flow pushed against the body of a man. He laid face up in the streams flow. As the sound of chirping reached his eyes a twitch came about. His arms shook and his head turned.Opening his eyes he partially saw the sunlight. The rays blinded him. Moving his head around; he cautiously opened his eyes. His sight adjusted. Looking ahead he saw the shore. It slopped and ascended a hill covered in trees. Questions, filled his mind. As he attempted to move his legs a pain shot up the whole of his body. Every inch ached. He laid for a moment before trying to move again. Willing his way past the pain he forced his body to roll over. Pushing up off the ground he looked in the water to see a rippling reflection of himself. His eyes had dark bags under them and his lids hung low, tired. Looking around, he took in the area ahead of him. "hello" he asked, voice raspy and unrecognizable. He bent his head down and took a drink of the water. As he swallowed the dryness cleared up. Following up he splashed water on is eyes. Looking up again he made another cry for help, louder than before. As he waited for a reply he found himself only answered by the birds. Almost dragging his body; he made his way to the shore. Hitting the pebbled embarkent he laid down once more. Though he wanted, to he found that his body wouldn't take him any further. His breath became heavy and a wheeze emerge from his throat. A cough soon followed and with it another. turning on his back he looked above to a cloudless blue sky. Taking a deep breath he cried out for help again. When no reply came he let out a small whimper. Minutes had passed before he found the strength to move his body again. Sitting up he lead on hands to keep steady. He looked ahead to a shock. His eyes widened with disbelief. Along the other shore, bathing in the rays of sun was a long white ship. it had little to no features, save a design like a bullet. The door was a hatched directly over the seat. It was was propped open. Inside was metallic with several switches and a wheel. With new found motivation he moved to his feet, first a stumble than to a step. He crossed the stream and fell against the side of it. Moving to the front he looked in to see it resembled the inside of a jet. He looked around at the small meters and everything was at zero, save a small digital dial in the front. It held a series of flashing zero's. All the switches were upright. Looking under the wheel he saw no peddles. it was a small cleared out area. Behind the seat was a solid wall. He looked back out of the front to see the rest lead to the engine in the back. Turning back to the front he looked at the wheel again. Along the middle of the wheel was a name; Shiva. The word echoed through his head connecting to thoughts. He flashed back to being at a meeting. All around him sat men in suits including himself.. In front stood several scientist displaying equations. The words escaped him, but he knew it meant something. Looking down at himself he realized he wasn't in a suit. He wore a tight white shirt with long sleeves. His pants were soft and of the same color. Along the front of the shirt was a shown on; Pilot Howard.

anyone?

>>193

I'll get to it later tonight OP, I'm busy atm, and it's hard for me to sit down and read your guy's shit.

I was really hoping people would be more generous about reviewing others' work. I guess this will be the 2nd board that will disappoint me.

Crap, dude, start with paragraphs. Wall-'O'text is not easy to read.

Ok, without knowing where this is going...:

>morning light rays
>"Morning light's rays"?
I think that should be possessive.

I'm noticing that the majority of sentences appear to be very simply, and with repetitive structure.
"X ( sometimes with adjectives) did Y". I'm not up on the latest of literary techniques, but it seems rather simple, and sorta dry.

How would the pilot notice the details of the ship before he crossed the stream, like the door being over the seat? I would think that the details should be revealed to the reader as they're being revealed to the characters, unless foreshadowing is needed.

>Along the front of the shirt was a shown on; Pilot Howard.
>"Along the front of the shirt, a name was sewn on: Pilot Howard."

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>>199

Thank you for the feedback. it is very helpful. I can't wait to see what you post and would be happy to return the feeling.

Dude. Really? Your problem is lack of ideas? I don't want to be a dick, but its over. Ideas are the EASY part. Its the grind that's is hard. Without ideas you are destined to be a technical writer, describing mechanical parts for submarines or designer buckets for caterpillars. Nothing wrong with that though man. Nothing at all. You can make a really good living describing patents or writing court briefings...

I have the opposite problem. I have a million ideas, but ever since the health insurance ran out and my supply of ADD meds disappeared, I have not one ounce of grind left in me.

Perhaps we should work out a deal? Drugs for ideas. It sounds like a fair exchange.

>>83
I don't know if you really read what I wrote or if I just stated it in a confusing manner. Let me reiterate.
I write well. I have quite a few original and interesting ideas and I can make more at any time.
I have no motivation.


About your drug problem: drink tea or some such other herbal hippie shit. I hear those things work well.

>>93
>other herbal hippie shit

That's the ticket!

>>59

Not true at all, a lot of extremely talented writers have this issue. Dostoyevsky only wrote most of his masterpieces after he was starving, hungry and drowning in debt. Hunter S. Thompson wrote Fear & Loathing because, instead of going to report on a motorcycle story as intended, he ended up spending all his money on drugs and just started ripping shit out of his diary and sending it to his publisher. I like Bukowski too, but there's not one perfect formula that leads to good writers.

>>83

I feel you man, I fucking miss Adderall. Try Adrafinil, it's not euphoric, but it's stimulating and unscheduled, so you can order it off the internet. Ephedrine's in the same vein, and it's a better stimulant, but it's also a precursor for meth and hard to get. You could try nootropics, but I find their efficacy questionable.

When I hit a wall, and can't do the prose part of writing, I just outline stuff, or add in little comments about what needs to be written. Like storyboards and stuff. "Such and such needs to happen here", or "Rework this to maintain continuity", or "find the capabilities of XYZ so that it's not a magic device". Sometimes I just work on something related, like mapping where in the story world the characters are so that I have a timeline for how long they'd take to get from A to B.

Then when I get the motivation to start reworking the prose, I'm still ahead of where I was. Even if I haven't done the heavy lifting, I at least know what needs to be done, and it doesn't take nearly as much work.

I generally deal with short fiction stories, though, so not all of that may apply.

I like it.

I think you should stick to limericks for now, also if it's for a girl, why do you only give her the last couple of lines? Up your game man.

Sloth are you sure the newspaper's going to publish your creative writing? We get a lot of people that try to join my school's newspaper thinking that they're going to write creatively and are extremely disappointed when they find out that they have to do boring newspaper stuff.

Anyway. Show, not tell. This is 100% you telling me what these people are, what's going on, what they're like, it's all your opinion. Writers have to present imagined stories in a factual manner and allow the reader to draw their own conclusions, and a good writer must do so in a manner that leads well-read readers to an irrefutable conclusion and allows them to experience that idea through good storytelling.

This also makes no sense

>and never they had much reason otherwise

Some of the things you say make sense, but they're just kind of an alien idea that makes you need to re-read it to figure out. Not in the good, postmodern way, either, things like "bored hunger."

Keep at it, champ.

>>168
Thanks man. This isn't a creative writing position, it's more political analysis. I'm just not used to writing and was hoping to refine my basic prose a little. Thanks for the comments, I see what you mean about showing and I'll make an effort to improve.

Just one thing I noticed, your tone seems to switch a lot. A good example would be "freak out over, sure" compared to "rarely amounted to an appreciable change". That change sort of breaks up the writing and messes with the flow of reading it.

>>168
That is not me.

>>176

Really? Weird.