-  [JOIN IRC!]

FIRE UP YOUR MACBOOK



[Return] [Entire Thread] [Last 50 posts] [First 100 posts]
Posting mode: Reply
Name
Subject   (reply to 187)
Message
File
Password  (for post and file deletion)
¯\(°_O)/¯
  • Supported file types are: BMP, DOC, EPUB, GIF, JPG, MOBI, PDF, PNG, RAR, TORRENT, TXT, ZIP
  • Maximum file size allowed is 97891 KB.
  • Images greater than 400x400 pixels will be thumbnailed.
  • Currently 347 unique user posts. View catalog

  • Blotter updated: 2015-09-02 Show/Hide Show All


File 13109492498.gif - (20.57KB , 1000x1000 , 1266034917854.gif )
187 No. 187 ID: 34cd5a
Would any of you fine fellows mind critiquing this for me. I wrote it to see if I could still write well after not doing it for a good year and a half. Could anyone help me out?


The morning light rays spread through the deep woodland. The leaves hanging glowed with a green aura as the sun caste down upon them. Morning birds sang a chorus through the air, an awaken to all those who dwell within the bounder of the woods. Deep Within by the wooded boundaries lied a small stream. Its shallow flow pushed against the body of a man. He laid face up in the rivers flow. As the sound of chirping reached his eyes a twitch came about. His arms shook and his head turned.Opening his eyes he partially beheld the sun and the light blinded him. Moving his head around; he cautiously opened his eyes. His sight adjusted as much as it could. They itched and were reddish. Looking ahead he see the shore. A slopping shore line which ascended a hill covered in trees. Questions, filled his mind. As he attempted to move his legs a pain shot up the whole of his body. Every much ached. He laid for a moment before trying to move again. Willing his way past the pain he forced his body to roll over. Pushing up off the ground he looked in the water to see a rippling reflection of himself. His eyes had dark bags under them and his eyes were tired. looking around, he took in the whole of the area. "hello," he asked quietly. His voice was raspy and nearly unrecognizable. He bent his head down and took a drink of the water. As he swallowed the dryness washed away. Following up he splashed water on is eyes. Looking up again he made another cry for help, louder than before. As h waited for a reply he found himself only answered by the birds. Almost dragging his body; he made his way to the shore. Hitting the rocky earth his laid down once again. Though he wanted, to he found that his body wouldn't take him any further. His breath became heavy and a wheeze emerge from his throat. A cough soon followed and with it another. turning on his back he looked above to a cloudless blue sky. He took a deep breath before crying out for help again. When no reply came he let out a small whimper. Minutes had passed before he found the power to move his body again. Sitting up he his hands hands to keep steady. Rising he looked ahead to a shock. Along the other shore, bathing in the rays of sun was a long white ship. it had little to no features save a designed like that of a bullet. The door was a hatched directly over the seat. It was was propped open. Inside was metallic with several switches and a wheel. With new found motivation he moved to his feet, first a stumble than to a steady step. He crossed the stream and fell against the side of it. nearly hugged it. moving to the front looked in to see it resembled the inside of a jet. He looked around at the small meters and everything was at zero, save a small digital dial in the front. It held a series of flashing zero's. It when then he looked down at himself and his cloths. He wore and all white shirt with matching pants. along the front of his shirt was a name; Pilot Howard.
Expand all images
>> No. 188 ID: 34cd5a
File 131095673166.gif - (390.93KB , 1000x563 , 9b4539596c3b1217a31b96342600181a.gif )
188
The morning light rays spread through the deep woodland. The leaves hanging glowed with a green aura as the sun caste down upon them. Morning birds sang a chorus through the air, an awakening to all those that dwelled within the bounders of the woods. Deep Within by the wooded boundaries curved a small stream. Its shallow flow pushed against the body of a man. He laid face up in the streams flow. As the sound of chirping reached his eyes a twitch came about. His arms shook and his head turned.Opening his eyes he partially saw the sunlight. The rays blinded him. Moving his head around; he cautiously opened his eyes. His sight adjusted. Looking ahead he saw the shore. It slopped and ascended a hill covered in trees. Questions, filled his mind. As he attempted to move his legs a pain shot up the whole of his body. Every inch ached. He laid for a moment before trying to move again. Willing his way past the pain he forced his body to roll over. Pushing up off the ground he looked in the water to see a rippling reflection of himself. His eyes had dark bags under them and his lids hung low, tired. Looking around, he took in the area ahead of him. "hello" he asked, voice raspy and unrecognizable. He bent his head down and took a drink of the water. As he swallowed the dryness cleared up. Following up he splashed water on is eyes. Looking up again he made another cry for help, louder than before. As he waited for a reply he found himself only answered by the birds. Almost dragging his body; he made his way to the shore. Hitting the pebbled embarkent he laid down once more. Though he wanted, to he found that his body wouldn't take him any further. His breath became heavy and a wheeze emerge from his throat. A cough soon followed and with it another. turning on his back he looked above to a cloudless blue sky. Taking a deep breath he cried out for help again. When no reply came he let out a small whimper. Minutes had passed before he found the strength to move his body again. Sitting up he lead on hands to keep steady. He looked ahead to a shock. His eyes widened with disbelief. Along the other shore, bathing in the rays of sun was a long white ship. it had little to no features, save a design like a bullet. The door was a hatched directly over the seat. It was was propped open. Inside was metallic with several switches and a wheel. With new found motivation he moved to his feet, first a stumble than to a step. He crossed the stream and fell against the side of it. Moving to the front he looked in to see it resembled the inside of a jet. He looked around at the small meters and everything was at zero, save a small digital dial in the front. It held a series of flashing zero's. All the switches were upright. Looking under the wheel he saw no peddles. it was a small cleared out area. Behind the seat was a solid wall. He looked back out of the front to see the rest lead to the engine in the back. Turning back to the front he looked at the wheel again. Along the middle of the wheel was a name; Shiva. The word echoed through his head connecting to thoughts. He flashed back to being at a meeting. All around him sat men in suits including himself.. In front stood several scientist displaying equations. The words escaped him, but he knew it meant something. Looking down at himself he realized he wasn't in a suit. He wore a tight white shirt with long sleeves. His pants were soft and of the same color. Along the front of the shirt was a shown on; Pilot Howard.
>> No. 193 ID: 11d839
anyone?
>> No. 194 ID: d27172
>>193

I'll get to it later tonight OP, I'm busy atm, and it's hard for me to sit down and read your guy's shit.

I was really hoping people would be more generous about reviewing others' work. I guess this will be the 2nd board that will disappoint me.
>> No. 199 ID: 9376d4
Crap, dude, start with paragraphs. Wall-'O'text is not easy to read.

Ok, without knowing where this is going...:

>morning light rays
>"Morning light's rays"?
I think that should be possessive.

I'm noticing that the majority of sentences appear to be very simply, and with repetitive structure.
"X ( sometimes with adjectives) did Y". I'm not up on the latest of literary techniques, but it seems rather simple, and sorta dry.

How would the pilot notice the details of the ship before he crossed the stream, like the door being over the seat? I would think that the details should be revealed to the reader as they're being revealed to the characters, unless foreshadowing is needed.

>Along the front of the shirt was a shown on; Pilot Howard.
>"Along the front of the shirt, a name was sewn on: Pilot Howard."
Sounds better to me, at least.

>>194
I'm gonna start contributing, my newest writing project is going to require this board's help, so I feel obliged to start reciprocating.
>> No. 204 ID: 11d839
>>199

Thank you for the feedback. it is very helpful. I can't wait to see what you post and would be happy to return the feeling.
[Return] [Entire Thread] [Last 50 posts] [First 100 posts]


Delete post []
Password  
Report post
Reason