I think it would work best as a Slam Poem.

Without hearing it live, it looks like something I'd write in Year 8 thinking I was a rebel.

I'd go more into a specific detail about your city, rather than the entire spectrum of the country. That way you have a better chance of hitting people in the fucking face with a message.

I want you to say it out loud, with emotion. Fix it to how your voice needs to recite it. Then go perform it at a coffee shop on a Wednesday night.

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I like this advice and think you should follow it, OP.

Your poem is kind of weak on paper but, as has been said, with strong recitation could be enjoyable to hear. Find a local slam night or open mic.

Yes, the rhyme scheme is a little weak but it would be greatly improved if you ironed out the cadence more. Recite it out loud; it doesn't quite flow like it should. Iron that out and the lame rhyme scheme won't matter as much.

i've been 160 for the last 4 months and ive been as poor as i can be in that time. :/