Honestly it sounds like she is depressed. Depression isn't always obvious fits of crying or threats of suicide, sometimes it comes in the form of extreme apathy. I would venture to guess that you're not the only one feeling the pangs of boredom and monotony here. Have you tried talking to her about this shit at all? You'd be surprised at the impact your involvement (or lack thereof) could have on her situation. As someone who has had bouts of depression for most of my life, I can tell you that a supportive person can make a depressed person feel truly capable of getting out of a rut, but someone that just ignores the depressed person's issues is useless in terms of helping them get better.

When you chose to marry her, you did take a vow that you'd be there "in sickness and in health", but maybe what you thought was that she'd always be the way she was at first. It isn't your fault you didn't see this coming. Of course, now you have to ask yourself if you even want to be with her at this point -- that is, if she got better and was more like she was before, would you still want to cheat/leave her? Maybe you would. Maybe she wouldn't really want to be with you, either.

>>3390

She may be slightly depressed, but I don't think that has to do with the messiness. I'll still poke into that possibility as I do love her and care about her wellbeing. She may also be a little bored, and I would agree that I'm half to blame for that.

The only time we talk about it is when we get in a fight, and after everything boils over and comes out. That hasn't happened in several months though. The rest of the time I feel guilty bringing it up.

She's not doing much different than when we were dating (with the exception of spending more time on the TV and phone I think), it's just now that I'm with her most of the time I've really noticed how different our lifestyles are. So I feel like I'm wrong here for wanting her to up and change the way she's always been. I feel like I made a mistake marrying her, but at the same time I feel that I don't have a compelling reason to leave her or that doing so would be fair to her. I don't know how to bring that up without irreversibly damaging the relationship.

Have you asked her if she's happy? It might be worth sitting down and having a chat with her about that. You may find that she is not happy with particular things, or has a different perspective that you've yet to consider.

If you want to start addressing issues, I'd firstly have a think about how you're going to address that. I understand you feel that there's a lot that needs changing, but something like "It bothers me that you're dirty, lazy, and irresponsible" will clearly push her away, encourage her to feel worse, and generally make matters worse. You sound like quite a sensible man and you seem to genuinely care about this situation, so think and plan long term. I'd focus on small changes, that will eventually amount to a big change.

When you're talking to her about this issue, it's vital not to blame her or criticize her in anyway. You need to use non-judgmental language and when you talk about your own feelings, you need to own your own feelings.

Here are some suggestions that I can think of right now;

Offer to go through the boxes of clothes with her - "We still haven't gone through those boxes of clothes and I'd like to sort them out, can we do it now/later today/on Sunday?"

Ask her if she's been feeling okay - "I've been feeling a bit worried about you recently, I just have an inkling that you're feeling a bit down; is everything okay?"

I am likely being a little gentle. It might help you to think SMART about what you want to get out of this, when you're 'asking' for things, make your needs Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-based. Saying "Sort your shit out in a month or I'm gone" is impossible and has no framework to judge anyway. Saying "I find it difficult doing the cleaning and I do get upset when I feel like I'm the only person that will do it. Could you do [INSERT REASONABLE AMOUNT OF WORK HERE] every [INSERT REALISTIC TIME FRAME HERE]?" is more gentle and more reasonable.

As your going away for 3 months, I wouldn't worry about the housework so much as to how you're both going to manage that situation. I'd talk to her about it.

Well, I hope my advice has been helpful and welcome.

>>3395

Thank you for your advice. I found the last bit especially helpful. Too often I think we resort to ultimatums without considering a middle ground that suits both parties.

I have talked to her a little bit and discovered a few things. One is that she is having a hard time adjusting to the marriage and the move put together. This is the first time she's ever been completely dependent on one person. There have been a few times when she's wanted one thing and I've said "no, we're doing this" and she told me it makes her feel "oh god what have I done?" So I know she misses being independent. Another is that she is unhappy with her current job and social situation. She feels underutilized, but the hours are such that she can't spend as much time with her friends out here as she'd like. I can see why that would upset her, but if I were her I wouldn't be coming home and plopping down on the couch to watch TV and play games all night--I'd be making the most of my time off.

Our marriage has been on my mind a lot lately, and I have boiled down what bothers me to two characteristics: messiness and excuse making.

She is simply not an organized person. She wasn't raised that way and I don't think she'll ever be that way. It was OK until we downsized into this apartment. Now her mess affects me. What really pisses me off is that all I want is a nice, old, wooden office desk with drawers to set up my computer and organize my stuff, but she actually threw a fit when I was suggesting places to put it, saying it would make the room look crowded and we'd have to move all the other furniture around so I just dropped it. Then EVERY TIME we go shopping, she wants to buy something new to hang up or another knick-knack. By the time we move again this place is going to look like a Mexican grandma's house. Last night she was looking for our wedding pictures on a USB drive. She lost it. She fucking lost it in a 1000 sq ft apartment, because her shit is everywhere and she just throws it from one place to another. I grew up in whatever one step up from spartan living conditions are so as minor as this sounds it's actually extremely frustrating. And come to find out, it's equally as frustrating to her to have a "boring" house.

Then there are the excuses. She can't get a job she likes because she doesn't have the right education/is white/is a woman. There's one of those we can change, so I have encouraged her to study for and take the GRE or GMAT (they are good for 5 years) and think about what she'd like to study. She tells me she doesn't know what she wants to study and won't even study for the test. She completely gave up on finding a new job as soon as she was hired on part time at a restaurant, and her excuse was that she just isn't qualified to do anything. Like I mentioned in OP, her only aspiration is to open up a secondhand boutique shop, but she has no concept of how to run a small business, much less how we would pay for such an adventure. I suggested she study something to that effect and she brushed me off because "everybody has an MBA, they can't be worth that much." Those are the big ones, and then there are the hundred little ones to explain why the apartment is a mess. I have worked hard to get where I am, and though I've had my fair share of breaks, it frustrates me to no end when someone makes excuses to avoid bettering themselves.

I can't see myself having a happy life with her. If my dad is any indication, I will only continue to become more of a stickler for organization. If her mom is any indication, she will only become more of a hoarder. She wants to do marriage counseling before we have major problems, because we never did pre-marital counseling (I wish I could go back) so I will see what comes of that and go from there.

OP here. After further reflection I think I am simply suffering from buyer's remorse. She's honestly not bad. She wants our marriage to work and for both of us to be happy, and now that she's come out of her depression slump she is quite fun again. I just regret permanently attaching myself at all. I would have regretted marrying anyone at this stage in life and found reasons to be unhappy.

That said, I made a commitment to her and regretting that commitment doesn't make fooling around or leaving her the right thing to do.

>>3401
What about swinging? You don't necessarily have to find a swinger club and make it a full blown lifestyle, but what about having some "monogamish" experiences? Do you think your wife would be open to that? Have a threesome with another woman or find another couple to play with maybe.

You don't go full blown open relationship. You don't get a mistress. But you get to have some new and novel sexual experiences and I've known quite a few women who are into the idea of anything from soft-swap/being watched to full swap swinging, threesomes, etc.

It's tricky because at best it could be a fun activity that actually solidifies your bond; but at worst it could undermine your whole relationship. So tread carefully. The commitment of marriage isn't just a "OK I guess I'm with this person til they or I die" thing, it's also a commitment to be honest and open and you need to be honest with your wife about these desires.

Talking to a counselor (either by yourself or as a couple) could be very very helpful and help you articulate some of your struggles and confusion and help you work out how to communicate these issues to your wife without pushing her away.

And after reading over your post again, I realize this probably isn't really about sex and that is probably not your main motivation for having an affair. Again: counseling could really really help you. Lots of new couples do it or need it. A marriage is a big deal, it's a huge new adjustment, sharing your life in that way and needing a little outside help and support is totally normal and a very healthy, proactive way of handling your problems.