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No. 3313
Let's look at some core beliefs here that you keep reiterating;
>I haven't enjoyed my life and I don't think I ever will.
>depressive and anxious by nature.
>things will only get worse the coming years.
>I have no motivation to challenge myself anymore.
>Meditation has made me aware how narcissistic I am. My ego is very sensitive and all my thoughts are self centered.
>I can't understand people.
Always in your life you are repeating a mantra, which defines everything you do. It is a particular sentence, feeling, or idea, and it keeps going round and round. When you're washing your hands, when you're at work, when you're sleeping; it's basically you. Now, we can easily end up with quite negative mantras that affect your life. Imagine doing your daily life with someone following you, constantly saying you're going to mess up what you're doing. You need to change that slowly, over time.
Now, I might talk about you for a bit.
You're 25 and clearly quite talented. You've also suffered a bit, so you've a good dose of maturity; you're quite aware of your feelings and yourself, which is a great thing to have, because you are in-tune with your mind and body. You're also good at your job, and you do a job which requires talent; you earned a degree and now you hold down a job, so you're clearly a very capable adult. Chances are your work is a little boring and you've probably outgrown it. It's also likely that the place isn't running as smoothly as it should be, you might well be understaffed or overworked, and anyway you probably need some challenges to keep you focused.
>What do you think I should do to become a decent and happy person?
You ALREADY ARE.
Your life is what you make it, and you have full control over how you chose to look at things. Personally I think you've been thinking too much for a while and need to get out there and do things without thinking that much.
>I have no motivation to challenge myself anymore.
You can wait forever, "in the future" to be motivated, but it's probably never going to happen. You have to do things right now, without motivation. Motivation comes later, not before.
>I have lost interest in people and friends. I mainly stay at home and I don't contact people.
This is what you need to do, make plans to go out a few times a week- be outside with people. Cinema, museum, running, whatever. You can contact old friends, you can join a class or two and meet new people- or volunteer! Things that get you out of the house and around others.
>I feel like I've lost touch with most of my friends the last year. And I also feel that they have lost interest in me.
That's just your opinion, it's quite easy to get caught up in your own life and miss seeing friends (I'm saying that, from both you and your friends' point of view). Quite often, your friends don't actually care that much (if they are real friends) they'll be happy to see you and understand that.
>I realize there's a big risk that I end up alone, without a partner or any friends in a few years when everyone has settled down.
It's never too late to try, and it's always worth living. You can always make new friends, you can always enjoy life, and there is always something to learn. It doesn't always feel that way, but you have to remember that you have the power to turn your life around at any point- you will not reach terminal loneliness because it's impossible, it's just a construct in your mind.
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