Semantics are everything. Stop blaming and hating yourself; you are not repugnant, your request was not unreasonable.

I suspect that your guilt and shame comes from sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy type of space, where you're so certain that your request was bothersome and inappropriate to them that their declining your advances is confirmation to you; may I remind you that you're in your own head here on this, and if your old acquaintance has given you no reason to feel shame or guilt, you should not.

If you really can't see the difference between asking someone out casually and bombarding them with a dick pic, perhaps your problems are greater than you let on.

You should be proud because you were upfront, you asked a question, you listened to the answer, and respected it. That itself commands a lot of respect, and you need to recognize that and be proud.

Imagine if you worked at a cafe and felt guilt and shame every time you asked someone if they wanted milk in their coffee and they said no. Asking questions, is fine, normal, and healthy human behavior.

Perhaps there is something else that is causing you to feel guilt, and you are using this as a cover up. You started your post with;

>I have a lot of anxiety about relationships. I've been through two bad break ups in two years and am trying to move on; but that's not really what this is about.

Now, these two facts aren't really relevant to the rest of the post. Why mention them?

What is your anxiety about relationships?
Two bad break ups in two years and trying to move on- does 'trying' mean that you are not 'moving'?

OP here.

There's a particular view of the world I read once that has stuck with me. It suggested that, no matter how prepared a woman may be, about half the world poses a threat of violating her at any time. And while anyone can threaten a man with elevated physical violence with a knife or gun, that men have the privilege of not being constantly surrounded by people of potential danger as the status quo.

Further, a (different) friend of mine identifies as asexual. She is a survivor of abuse, and no, this is not why she identifies as such. She finds being propositioned to be draining and emotionally painful. It reminds her that she is wanted to be a sexual entity when she is not.

It's hard for me then to give myself the permission to impose on someone by forcing them to confront that I am attracted them.

>>3264

>There's a particular view of the world I read once that has stuck with me. It suggested that, no matter how prepared a woman may be, about half the world poses a threat of violating her at any time.

This view is patronizing and sexist, you should change it. Women are not delicate little flowers that need protecting from huge hordes of horny men.

>And while anyone can threaten a man with elevated physical violence with a knife or gun, that men have the privilege of not being constantly surrounded by people of potential danger as the status quo.

This view has such little faith in the human race it's really quite hard to respond to. Whether you like it or not, 'men' and 'women' are just generalized ways of talking about two different groups of people that don't really exist. Because some men have the privilege, does not mean that all men have the privilege. I think it might be difficult yet helpful to try and think about your view; to think about it without men or women but just with people. It might be a bit more balancing. Try and cheer up a bit too, lots of good does happen you just need to see it.

>Further, a (different) friend of mine identifies as asexual. She is a survivor of abuse, and no, this is not why she identifies as such. She finds being propositioned to be draining and emotionally painful. It reminds her that she is wanted to be a sexual entity when she is not.

We live in a world where people expect us to be a certain way, if we subvert that we are prone to criticism (If I went out today in a dress and got insulted, I would be told I was "asking for it"). That's not your fault, and to be honest so long as you take part in this world and in society you have to be involved with things without choice. I think your friend needs to get over that a little bit. Also there's a chasm of difference between "Do you want to go on a date" and "Baby I bet you want to suck on my big dick".

>It's hard for me then to give myself the permission to impose on someone by forcing them to confront that I am attracted them.

Your world view is influencing your life, it's going to taint it and you're going to believe that any action of yours is violating a woman. Not any more; you're an adult and so are the people that you are attracted to. You can't be responsible for their reaction, but you can be responsible for yourself and your actions. If you ask a girl out 'normally' and she flips out and calls you a freak- this is not your fault.

Provided that you are not physically forcing someone, or forcing them through language, then you are generally being a decent normal human being.

You cannot negotiate Desire.

This is a very simple principle that most Men and the vast majority of women are willfully ignorant of. One the most common personal problems I’ve been asked advice for in the past 10 years is some variation of “how do I get her back?” Usually this breaks down into men seeking some methodology to return his relationship to an earlier state where a previously passionate woman couldn’t keep her hands off of him. Six months into a comfortable familiarity and the thrill is gone, but in truth it’s the genuine desire that is gone.

It’s often at this stage that a man will resort to negotiation. Sometimes this can be as subtle as him progressively doing things for her in the hopes that she’ll reciprocate with the same sexual fervor they used to have. Other times a married couple may go to marriage counseling to “resolve their sex issues” and negotiate terms for her sexual compliance. He’ll promise to do the dishes and a load of laundry more often in exchange for her feigned sexual interest in him. Yet, no matter what terms are offered, no matter how great an external effort he makes so deserving of reward, the genuine desire is not there for her. In fact, she feels worse for not having the desire after such efforts were made for her compliance.

Negotiated desire only ever leads to obligated compliance. This is why her post-negotiation sexual response is often so lackluster and the source of even further frustration on his part. She may be more sexually available to him, but the half-hearted experience is never the same as when they first met when there was no negotiation, just spontaneous desire for each other.

From a male perspective, and particularly that of an uninitiated beta male, negotiation of desire seems a rational solution to the problem. Men tend to innately rely on deductive reasoning; otherwise known as an “if then” logic stream. The code is often something like this:

I need sex + women have the sex I want + query women about their conditions for sex + meet prerequisites for sex = the sex I want.

Makes sense right? It’s simple economics, but built on a foundation that relies on a woman’s accurate self-evaluations. The genuine desire they used to experience at the outset of their relationship was predicated upon a completely unknown set of variables. Overtly communicating a desire for reciprocal desire creates obligation, and sometimes even ultimatums. Genuine desire is something a person must come to – or be led to – on their own volition. You can force a woman by threat to comply with behaving in a desired manner, but you cannot make her want to behave that way. A prostitute will fuck you for an exchange, it doesn’t mean she wants to.

Whether LTR or a one night stand (ONS) strive for genuine desire in your relationships. Half of the battle is knowing you want to be with a woman who wants to please you, not one who feels obligated to. You will never draw this genuine desire from her by overt means, but you can covertly lead her to this genuine desire. The trick in provoking real desire is in keeping her ignorant of your inent to provoke it. Real desire is created by her thinking it’s something she wants, not something she has to do.

Regarding abuse, I forgive my mum and dad who abused me cause they were good in some areas and they taught me the utility of anger as a tool for social influence, the use of violence, and how to abuse and manipulate. For them, I am grateful.

>This is a very simple principle that most Men and the vast majority of women are willfully ignorant of. One the most common personal problems I’ve been asked advice for in the past 10 years is some variation of “how do I get her back?” Usually this breaks down into men seeking some methodology to return his relationship to an earlier state where a previously passionate woman couldn’t keep her hands off of him. Six months into a comfortable familiarity and the thrill is gone, but in truth it’s the genuine desire that is gone.

>It’s often at this stage that a man will resort to negotiation. Sometimes this can be as subtle as him progressively doing things for her in the hopes that she’ll reciprocate with the same sexual fervor they used to have. Other times a married couple may go to marriage counseling to “resolve their sex issues” and negotiate terms for her sexual compliance. He’ll promise to do the dishes and a load of laundry more often in exchange for her feigned sexual interest in him. Yet, no matter what terms are offered, no matter how great an external effort he makes so deserving of reward, the genuine desire is not there for her. In fact, she feels worse for not having the desire after such efforts were made for her compliance.

That's not how a functional relationship works. My girlfriend and I have been with each other for close to 3 years, and our sex life gradually has been getting better and better the more time we spend together. A longer relationship means more time to be comfortable and intimate with one another, more time to explore kinks. It means knowing every in and out of your partner, knowing every button you can push. I still learn things when we have sex, and every day we get a little better and a little more generous towards each other. That level of trust and comfort is extremely difficult to replicate in a one-night stand, and it's difficult to replicate if you're having trouble sustaining long term relationships because you've been emotionally manipulating insecure, unstable partners.

I also don't pay for it, dude. I don't know where this misconception is that you have to pay for a date in the 21st century came from. I go dutch with my currently girlfriend most every time. We split taking the bill pretty evenly otherwise, though I've been between jobs recently so she's been paying more than I have. She's a feminist, so we do stuff like that equally. So much for alphabuxandbetabucks. That's what being in a healthy relationship is about. It's built on positivity and trust.

>Negotiated desire only ever leads to obligated compliance. This is why her post-negotiation sexual response is often so lackluster and the source of even further frustration on his part. She may be more sexually available to him, but the half-hearted experience is never the same as when they first met when there was no negotiation, just spontaneous desire for each other.

Yeah, dude, this is why girls don't like as you are. You don't buy girls money to get them to have sex with you. That's not what romance and seduction is about. It's about building an atmosphere of trust, so she's open to exploring herself sexually to you. It's about being generous with your love, about making sure to please each other. The more someone enjoys sex and intimacy with you, the more likely they are to engage in it with you in the future. It's about making sure you show proper affection.

>From a male perspective, and particularly that of an uninitiated beta male, negotiation of desire seems a rational solution to the problem. Men tend to innately rely on deductive reasoning; otherwise known as an “if then” logic stream. The code is often something like this:

>I need sex + women have the sex I want + query women about their conditions for sex + meet prerequisites for sex = the sex I want.

Yeah, as much as you Redpill types criticize feminists for misandry, they treat me like a person. Just because you're romantically clueless doesn't mean most people are.

>Makes sense right? It’s simple economics, but built on a foundation that relies on a woman’s accurate self-evaluations. The genuine desire they used to experience at the outset of their relationship was predicated upon a completely unknown set of variables. Overtly communicating a desire for reciprocal desire creates obligation, and sometimes even ultimatums. Genuine desire is something a person must come to – or be led to – on their own volition. You can force a woman by threat to comply with behaving in a desired manner, but you cannot make her want to behave that way. A prostitute will fuck you for an exchange, it doesn’t mean she wants to.

>Whether LTR or a one night stand (ONS) strive for genuine desire in your relationships. Half of the battle is knowing you want to be with a woman who wants to please you, not one who feels obligated to. You will never draw this genuine desire from her by overt means, but you can covertly lead her to this genuine desire. The trick in provoking real desire is in keeping her ignorant of your inent to provoke it. Real desire is created by her thinking it’s something she wants, not something she has to do.

That sounds fine-and-dandy, but you still think it's something you have to force her into. Instead of getting her to comply with material goods, you're deliberately trying to psychologically manipulate her into doing what you want. Instead of offering yourself up as a sacrifice for the relationship, you're demanding she be subservient and sacrifice herself for it. That's not any less forced or more healthy, though it's a lot less effective than you seem to think. That's where your relationship problems stem from.

Relationships between people are all similar, whether you're talking about men or women, or romantic or platonic relationships. The most enduring ones are built on mutual honest, trust, and respect. If you believe your friends have to be manipulated into liking you, you're going to live a very unhappy and unfulfilled life. You're going to make friends quickly, but lose them, and have the friends you have left resent you. If you believe you have to manipulate your children into obeying you, you're going to raise kids with psychological issues. If you believe you have to manipulate your romantic partners into liking you, you're going to have very toxic relationships.

Shit, I'm fucking blazed and I've spent the past two hours arguing with people in 99chan.

>Yeah, dude, this is why girls don't like you as you are. You don't buy girls things to get them to have sex with you.

Personally I've been getting a bit bored of/with thinking of myself with mental health problems now and my psychologist has confirmed i'm more or less over it. I'm yawning and want the next challenge anyway. There, done, my psychiatry phase of life is done.