I know this seems low but I'd scope out the situation and ask around to see if she's dumped her boyfriend. Maybe even talk to him and ask how things are going. I don't know, because groups of people are generally confusing, conflicting, and risky situations. Boundaries and self-respect are the most valuable things. May you&&us all have healthy, non-conflicting ones, and soon.

It sounds like you really get a positive vibe from her, is the thing... how can we ensure that she treats you well consistently?

I don't think it's fair to say that you'd fall for her again, since it seems you never got up after the first time. That said, I think there's no harm in seeing what this girl has to say; if nothing else, it will confirm for you that you shouldn't be involved with her, if all goes poorly. If it goes well, you might end up with something good out of it. And if she screws with you again, you have a good reason to tell her that she can never come back again.

Yeah, see what the deal is.

I will keep this brief. There was kissing and fondling, boyfriend no longer in the picture. I am still worried this may turn out to be a temporary thing and leave me devastated. But always playing things safe in my life hasn't really put me in a place I am content with, so I'm just going to take that risk.

Sounds reboundy. I would actively try not to get attached. Maybe even ask her to do stuff outside of sexual things, like actually getting to know you. That way she might learn to like YOU and not just see a fuck stick.

>>3088
Or he might find out more clearly whether she likes him or just sees him as the aforementioned fuck stick.

>>3089
Truth.

Either way, press on!

She said she missed our online contact and had read back chatlogs since september. I am hoping that means I am more than just a fuckstick. On the other hand the meeting at my house was mostly physical. I will press on and find out.

Several months have passed and not sure what the current status is. We agreed from the start that this would be a polyamorous relationship. I have no experience with that (or any) type of relationship, but this always seemed like something I wanted. I consider the traditional societal belief to find everything you want in a single person to be unrealistic (i.e. meeting your Disney prince(ss)), and also was uncomfortable with the idea of having to be things I am not, to keep my partner happy, rather having them find those things in someone else.

At first it was a joyful ride. I lost my virginity, had someone to cuddle with, share some of my secrets, go along with me on stuff I had been procrastinating, etc. But lately the vibe has changed.

It turned out that in practice polyamory was more tricky than expected. Jealousy and envy from my side have been making things difficult, also on her because it made her feel restricted which made her doubt the arrangement. From my side the relation hasn't been poly, because I am not in a people-mood since about a year or so, which also makes things a bit unbalanced. We had a few breaks/pauses, the first two initiated by her, the current one initiated by me, so I can figure out where I stand, what I get from it, whether it is worth it, etc.

Looking up this old thread and how I initially formulated what I wanted, has given me back a lot of insight. Over the past few months the jealousy and envy had made me insecure and feeling "little", which likely makes me a less attractive person to her as well. I also became more depressed by being confronted with the lingering after-effects of my psychosis in 2004 (reduced affect, ability to experience joy, ambition, etc.), feeding even more envy seeing her like those traits in others. Reading the goals set by my former self made me remember she is not my only shot at happiness or intimacy, which liberated me from the idea that I shouldn't lose her no matter what.

I still have some doubts whether she is truly looking for a polyamorous relation, or rather she just wants me as a safe reliable rebound to summon between other relationships (which I won't be). Polyamory is new for both of us so it is to be expected that things won't go smoothly. I guess after this break (which will probably last another week or two), we will both find out how we want to continue this, if at all.

tl;dr relationship status unclear, OP trying to gather his thoughts on what he wants