Simple answers, sad undertones:

>How the fuck do I stop thinking about her past?
Change how you think about her past. Treat it as an opportunity for an opportunity; you can do better for her. I hope she lets you.
>If there is no way to stop, what are some ways to really cope with the thoughts?
You are intelligent, beautiful, caring, and worthwhile. You also have the potential to get better, and stay good. Having her in the ideal would be both a symbol of this and a great help to keep it that way. Don't rely on that. More below.
>How can I get over this?
I'd recommend being very careful with trying to match her at the game. A lot of girls play to 'lose' by guy standards, and make the guy lose in turn. They go right for the heart, man. So do guys. In this situation you have perfectly legitimate needs and wants... and it sounds like she's being a bomb by treating you like a bomb.
>She doesn't know that I have been thinking about her past again and I've promised her to never bring it up again. So can someone please give me good advice? I do not want to lose her to this bull shit thinking again because believe it or not I am in love with this woman.
Spoilers: It's her bullshit thinking that's causing you to find fault in yourself. There's one old Reddit comic I ought to have saved&&backed up that explains it perfectly... M cheats, W: 'OMFG HOW COULD YOU I TRUSTED YOU' M: ":( OMFG I'M SO SORRY" W: 'OMFG YOU'D BETTER BE YOU'RE TERRIBLE HOW COULD YOU TREAT ME LIKE THIS'.
W cheats, M: 'OMFG HOW COULD YOU I TRUSTED YOU' W: 'SHUT UP I ALREADY FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT THIS' M: ':( OMFG I'M SO SORRY'
>She has slept with my best friend and he told me one time that she loves everyone. I want this to be a fallacy.
Why do you want the fact that she loves everyone to be a fallacy? If she consistently feels good caring about everyone and they treat her right, and you care about her... :/ See, there's caring like 'I see a part of myself in you and it hurts me to see that suffer', which is a vicious feedback loop, because anyone with the same empathy without the resources to reset the breaker with something good will just cause it to spiral out of control, and any actual predator will just flip your switches to exploit you. As soon as I try to set limits women just immediately go and break 'em. Maybe it's like that for everyone, maybe not, but my experiences have been shit.
>(Im gonna see a psychiatrist in a little bit today and im going to try to get prescribed Lexapro. It's a mood stabilizer that worked for my Mom's brain shit so hopefully it will work for mine too.)
I hope it works out well. Research if it's one of the ones you can safely start at low doses, and watch out for side effects.


I hate telling people this but by and large what people seem to want is... not impossible, but unlikely to happen. I hate compromise yet the world is full of it... having been in somewhat similar situations on the surface I can tell you my answer, which has simply never panned out.

I know people feel like they need other people's support and affection in order to be complete, because we're supposed to be social animals, but really, we're social predators. Betrayal is the only currency, and any illusion of psychic safety you might have is to be treasured.

With that in mind... open your relationship unilaterally, at least in your mind. Put all your expectations of happiness not-quite-infinitely into the future. Just remember that what you see in her might not be the be all end all, and any course of action you take she might find fault in.

What I've learned in my life, which might not be accurate at all, is that true respect is unconditional, and without respect there can be no friendship, and therefore no love or care. So respect her and her decisions. Respect them enough to at least try to give her better experiences than she can get with anyone else, and if she doesn't think so now, maybe she'll think so later. Just don't ever get alienated, and do your best to act towards yourself like you'd like her to act towards you.

Yeah, I know that the analogy is imperfect because there's just something wonderful about having someone outside your body (semi)spontaneously doing kind things towards you with no effort on your part.

I've never seen a girl (or guy) in this situation both "truly need" someone else to need them, and be able to tolerate that need. Well, I've seen it once, but that was, like, the universe being all "It's all infinite hatred; just reminding you that no, true love is not impossible. It's just #notforyou"

Basically in general if you get into a relationship hoping that it'll fix you up the individual will spontaneously wreck your shit, and everyone gets into relationships hoping that it'll fix something. Most social interactions I've seen have been parasitic, both+ ways. Fuck a physics, fuck the rules that say that chimpanzees are the 'winners'. Fuck everything like Richard M. Nixon's political theories. Just be a bonobo. And if she acts like a chimpanzee... then she's not your bonobo.

OP here.

Her and I have both done our share of hurt towards each other. I was the bad guy after finding out about how many people she'd slept with. I lost her and the apartment, due to my anger, when all she tried to do was love me for 3 months. After some time I redeemed myself, and haven't gone back to the anger, and I moved back in with her for about 3 weeks. During those 3 weeks she totally crushed me. She was so angry and even evil. She took it out on me. I took all her blows when all I wanted to do was love her.
I thought maybe we would be square.

Just last week she destroyed me by choosing to get high and forget me every day. Kicked the rest of my stuff out of the apartment with a big smile. I DID NOT DO ANYTHING to have this happen. I showed my disappointment when I found out she was smoking dope again because the last time we were together, before she started tokin again, we were really good.
I thought it was over.
I thought we were done.
I was ready to move on.
She calls me the next day crying and saying shes sorry. She "knows what she did was fucked up." She "doesn't want to lose me." "I'm the only one that makes her feel right." "She's done smoking weed." (and im not saying pot is bad, its a pretty rad plant but it is not for all people...she chose to abuse weed and forget all her problems. As soon as her problems started coming back, she would go back into the clouds and never fix them. I understand because I was the same way until I got busted and had to go on probation for the 2nd time. I finally realized that weed was not for me.)

SOOOO!
Where we are at now....

Supposedly I have the power.
I haven't gotten mad at her or fought with her.
We haven't fought. We have been doing better. When we argue we know how to talk to each other and end it holding hands when before we would just fight.

So this is good. This is good. I keep trying to realize that it's okay now. I know its okay.

I cry every day though.
I hurt every day emotionally.
I have turned into a bitch or maybe I always was one.
And I still think about her past.
And I can feel it feeding my anger yet again.

This is where we are at now. Her and I are okay. She thinks it's going to be okay. I am unsure of that but I want it to work.

---QUESTION---

What would you do if this was you?
What would you do?

I can't be the bad guy again.

1 more question----

Do you think there is a damage limit in a relationship that would cause it to never get better again?
and if so have we reached that limit?

I never used to cry cause "men don't cry"
but I cry every day now.

P.S. I got prescribed Lexapro today and the Dr. gave me Abilify for when I go to sleep.

>>3051

I'm sorry, but what the fuck is going on? All I'm getting from this situation is "I want someone to do everything I want them to, but I'm not going to tell them very clearly and I'm going to throw a hissy fit when things don't go exactly how I want."

Fucking, sit down and take a little break, ease up.

Nothing you can do will change this situation, clearly you need to be single for a while and get your head together and do a little work on being a good person and just being able to enjoy your life and do what you want.

You are in control, and you can choose to move on. You should chose to move on regardless of whatever this girl is doing. You don't need to explain it, justify it, or wait for someone to hear it, to understand it. You can say "I am doing this now"

And for fuck's sake stop saying shit like "I want to be good" or "I don't want to be the bad guy" or "I just want to love this person" do you seriously think that anyone wants to hurt another? We have to hurt people, and if we have enough in us we can do it with grace. Most problems are caused by trying to avoid hurting people.

"Most problems are caused by trying to avoid hurting people." Yeah I have come to learn that very well. We've lied to each other a lot. Man so many people have told me to move on...part of me really wants to still but another part thinks I should give her the chance she gave me when I fucked up real bad.

I saw and spent the night with her last night. It was good. No fighting. Watched an episode of Breaking Bad. I could feel the Lexapro working. Everything was alright..

You need to distill and clarify your thoughts.

This girl has a history before you. Why does that anger you so much? A simple answer.

Cuz in my head I picture her loving it. The way she loves me. Which makes me feel like I am just another guy filling her void. Idk. These meds are working. I can deal with the unwelcoming thoughts now without wanting to explode. So I guess this conversation is closed.

Thank you for your advice anon friend!

NP, good luck. Just please remember: She loves you more. And one day soon she'll behave accordingly. If not her, then someone better. :)