99chan

File 139724125229.jpg - (148.46KB , 625x443 , enhanced-buzz-17926-1366031383-15.jpg )

Anonymous 14/04/11(Fri)14:34 No. 2970

Evening /Docta/, I'll try and keep this as concise as possible.

CURRENTLY: Three months in to a relationship with a girl I met online.

BACKSTORY: My last relationship was to a girl I genuinely loved, and I thought she loved me. But she was constantly battling with depression and self-worth issues that ended up poisoning her mind. She effectively just 'lost' her attraction to me, which meant we grew apart. We both knew it, and she said she didn't want to hurt me over a protracted period. We broke up the day before Valentine's Day after 10 months together, both agreeing we still loved each other, but that it would save both of us a lot of heartache to end things before it got too painful. It turned out to be the most painful break-up I've yet had, probably because neither of us did anything to piss the other off. No cheating, not even any arguments. I found it hard because it wasn't like I could pinpoint a problem and pin it on that. But after the break-up she was very reluctant to talk to me and essentially severed all contact with me, and that hurt a lot.

INTERIM: So, I was now single. Great, time to fuck everything that moves. Thing is, I realised I'm not that great at pulling and the break-up had taken away a lot of my confidence. My friends advised me to try online dating, which helped a lot. Had lots of interesting conversations, got just a little bit addicted to browsing profiles etc. This went on for a few months. At first I was just looking for a shag, but over time I felt ready to have another go at a relationship.

Then I get chatting to one girl and we eventually meet up. She's the first girl from the dating websites that I've met IRL. She's funny, smart, pretty, and has none of the self-esteem issues my last girlfriend had. She's even a little bit more enthusiastic in the bedroom, which is great, and she is excellent at making me feel 'loved'. In truth, I think she does love me. But I don't feel quite as strongly, and it's bugging me.

True, she is a bit older than me, a bit taller than me, and a bit larger than my last girlfriend, and she's not as feisty (I like 'em feisty) but she seems like a more complete package overall. And yet, even now I feel like I will never love her, least not to the same degree I did the last girl. Part of wonders if this is because my brain/heart won't 'let' me love her because of what happened last time; I'm afraid. Another part of me wonders if it is dishonest to stay in the relationship, giving her false hope.

So /Docta/s, do you think these feelings will ever materialise? If they don't, is it dishonest of me to stay in the relationship? And I guess the real question is, why am I not head-over-heels for this girl, who is smarter, prettier, and more complete than my last girlfriend?

Mob 14/04/11(Fri)22:41 No. 2971

The thing you're looking for is called limerence. As I understand, it generally either shows up right away or not at all. But that's okay, because it isn't really necessary.

There are lots of different kinds of love. Everyone feels love differently and even the same person probably won't feel the same love for two different people. It also changes as you age and mature and gain different types of experience. So when you say that you think you'll never love her like you loved your ex, you're probably right. But that's okay. Love isn't ruined for you, it's just taken on a different meaning now because of what you're gone through.

So no, it isn't necessarily a problem that you aren't getting that head-over-heels thing with this lady. You can still develop a deep, satisfying emotional connection with her, the kind that grows slowly over time and with shared experience. Just enjoy your time with her and try not to compare your current relationship to the one you had before, because it's not going to be the same. That doesn't mean it won't be as good - just not the same.

Anonymous 14/06/12(Thu)18:34 No. 3042

I'm from some kind of fucked up nightmare, constantly staring at unattainable ideals, so take my advice with care:

You'll find it again, with your new girl, just gradually and healthily.

You're all set up to realize that what you were chasing before was like a crack fix; might help your performance in life but might also have a cost. Crack : health :: limerance :: true love. Both are kind of putting the cart before the horse.

You neglect important things... like your significant other being an emotionally cheating ho and not getting how this "open relationship" thing works - you're supposed to go out and find good when you feel like it and bring it home, as opposed to grovelling and "I'm-not-worthy-ing". That's love without friendship, which, like limerance, sublimates rather awkwardly. You need to be able to laugh at yourself peacefully, and be laughed with and not at. Both partners do. Yeah, I know it's a tall order.

I'd talk to her about this and present the upsides above just in case. If she really loves you she might be like "That's a perfect plan. Let's do it!"

Anonymous 14/06/21(Sat)19:02 No. 3071

OTOH, some people require amphetamines to function, for whatever reasons. And if you've got everything else, self-actualization is the last thing on the pyramid. I've been through situations where the presence of at least one cute girl I was crushing on was keeping me going when there were few other alternatives... not yet conclusively healthy, but can be necessary. Erch. Differing perspectives.

Name
Subject	(reply to 2970)
Message
File
Password	(for post and file deletion)

¯\(°_O)/¯
Supported file types are: BMP, JPG, PNG Maximum file size allowed is 1000 KB. Images greater than 400x400 pixels will be thumbnailed. Currently 378 unique user posts. View catalog Blotter updated: 2023-01-12 Show/Hide Show All 01/12/23 - updating this thing and such 09/02/15 - New team is here to develop the site and chew bubble gum --- and we're all out of gum

/docta/, /docta/, gimme the news I've got a bad case of lovin' you.

/docta/, /docta/, gimme the news
I've got a bad case of lovin' you.