I dunno if any of you have felt this way, but I sometimes found myself indulging a narcissistic self-pity, starting around this time and borne of unresolved issues stemming from my lame ass childhood years. Ironically enough it felt good to wrap myself in a blanket of mindless sorrow. I feel the experience is analogous to girls curling up and watching stupid movies and crying, except after the movie is over and the catharsis complete they continue their normal lives, whereas I think that the more I "indulged" the harder it became to separate my own private world of shitty sadness from the world I actually lived in. I'm not sure if I unintentionally fucked myself up doing this or if it's a combination of the drugs I was doing and a pre-existing condition triggered by my activities.

There's this girl who was in my high school, and in a couple of my classes. She was part of my group of friends but I didn't know her that well in high school, we were mostly separate. I had no real feelings for her one way or the other until after high school and into university, when getting drunk at someone's house and talking to people you didn't normally talk to was the thing to do. I started feeling the "crush" building up inside me about 5 years ago, which is unfortunately around the time one of my friends started going out with her. I figured I'd keep it my secret and just try to squash it, but a lack of potentially available girls in my life and my inability to find and maintain new friendships caused me to dwell on this shit far more than I should have. At least, that's what I think might have happened, it's hard to tell and I'm probably forgetting some important shit.

Anyway, this shitty secret of mine only served to make me feel worse than I was already. I did a couple courses at uni solely because she was in them, and I wanted to be around her as much as I could be, even though it was a pretty torturous experience at the same time. I confided in my same friend who I went to before about the previous crush, and he provided me with rational courses of action and a shoulder to lean on. Lots of drunk walks home being a depressing fuck to that guy, sorry my man. Man just seeing her walking down the hallway towards me caused my heart to sink and jump into my throat at the same time. Sinking because I knew what I wanted deep inside was impossible, jumping because I was still fucking happy to see her pretty face regardless. I won't bore you with specific details as to why I like this girl so much, the reasons are the same as anyone's (nice, smart, attractive etc) and mean nothing without having experienced them personally.

The last few years have been going by faster and faster, and it's mostly a blur of stupid drunk nights and days of self-loathing, followed by denying to myself that it even took place. I'm still stuck in love with this girl, even though I've tried to put her out of my head. What makes it worse is that I've grown to resent my friend who goes out with her, which makes me feel like a shitty friend, especially since I live in the same house as him. Right now, as I type this, he is downstairs with her and I am up in my room feeling like shit about what happened over the last few months between me and this girl.

I've had a few incidents with my friends over the last few years, where I will get really drunk/weird/high/whatever and either do something fucked or just sit there and do nothing and talk to no one. I think it's because I don't know how to deal with feeling so shitty.

>>845

This cycle of shit kept going for a while, until last year, when I think for a brief period I managed to convince myself I was doing alright. It was shortly after I moved in with my friends. As I saw it, even though I was no longer going to university at this point, the option was still there, even though I was looking at redoing a lot of failed courses if I went back (failed a couple 3 times, hooray me). I was living "on my own" though, with close friends and for the moment. It's this short-sightedness that caused me this horrendous pain I am currently in. I'm starting to lose focus here, and I can feel the pressure in my head abating, so I think that this is working in relieving my shitty feelings for now. I will finish the story though for completeness, and for you, if you've bothered to read this far (thank you).

Back to the girl. A few months ago, I got blackout drunk and ended up taking a swing at a dude I live with. Fucking mortifying. No injuries, just feeling like shit. Anyway I can't remember what happened immediately after but I remember lying on the floor or maybe in a chair by myself, having vomited out the back door. The girl who I've basically been in love with for the last 5 years came into the room to see if I was alright and helped me to the bathroom. Everyone else was gone to bed. In the bathroom, I broke down and told her that I liked her as more than a friend and all that shitty gross stuff. She looked at me with a sad expression, not sure if it was pity or what, but I was just lost in drunk world and staring into her eyes, looking for something. She was standing above me as I was sprawled on the floor of this tiny bathroom. She got down next to me and hugged me for what seemed like forever. I wanted to cry but I didn't. I'm almost crying now just thinking about it. We remained in that position for a while, just chillin, when I decided that it'd be a great idea to try and kiss her, lol. I was like "give us a smooch now" and she shook her head. I gave her a quick peck on the cheek and I can't remember what her reaction was, but I think we remained hugging. Eventually she was convinced I wasn't gonna choke to death on my own vomit I guess, and she went to leave. I gave her a light pat on the ass as she left (what the fuck) and thanked her. She laughed and told me to go to bed or some shit.

>>846

The next day I get a text from being like "sooo we should probably talk about what happened last night". I agreed to this, and I wanted to do a bit of damage control or whatever myself. We talked the next day, and the day after. I would come pick her up from the house I live in, where she would be hanging out with her boyfriend, a dude I live with, and we would go drive around and I would try to explain my shitty depression to her. She prompted me to seek professional help, and if she hadn't, I probably wouldn't have. I am pretty sure she could tell me to do anything and I'd listen to her at this point. I tried to gloss over the whole "I'm in love with you since forever" thing and said that it was an old crush and I had no idea why I said that shit, but I don't think she believes me. I spent the next few days hiding out at my parents' house, too embarrassed to show my face around my friends and her. I've got some pretty severe self image issues, and I see myself as revolting, so this also made me want to hide, because I figured that if you're gross and ugly, you can at least be nice, and I wasn't even that.

So after a few days and my mental turmoil had blown over somewhat, I returned to my living quarters. Missed a bunch of work because I felt too awful to get out of bed. Got an appointment from my family doctor to see a psychologist at the hospital, who would in turn refer me to a therapist after they evaluated me. They told me to lay off the drinking and to hang in there, that I was a smart, handsome young man and that there was a great chance they could help me out and make me a productive member of society. I guess telling people they're hideous and hopeless doesn't do much for their success rate. They'd refer me to a specialist in a few months. Since then my doctor prescribed me cipralex. I dunno if it's because of the meds or simply because of the incidents that prompted the meds to be prescribed to me, but I now feel worse than ever. Empty, hollow sadness, a profound lack of enjoyment of life, and I am continually thinking about suicide and what the easiest, most surefire way to end myself is. I try not to think about how much it will suck for my parents and friends. Last night I tried to have another chat with my compassionate lady friend (how does she put up with my shit) and I mostly lay there, being really drunk and shitty and I couldn't say anything. She told me she's moving into the house I live in in July, and whether that would be a problem. I said it wasn't but man I can't live here if she does, too much. I wanted to tell her that I think about killing myself every day and that I'm scared one day I might feel shitty enough to do it. I don't want her thinking that she caused me to do this, even though her presence in my life causes me no small amount of agony. We tend to get close when we're drunk, and talk to each other a lot about shit (not my depression). We were drunk in a car together last night and she was sitting next to me, talking to me closely and leaning against me and licking a lollipop. I'm embarrassed to say how incredibly turned on I was by the whole thing, but I guess when you're a virgin that's all you need. So now it's today, and I'm typing this bullshit for nobody to see. She's downstairs, I might go down now and get drunk again tonight and start the shit cycle all over again. I hope I die.

You should at least lay off the bottle.

That's a slow and pathetic way to kill yourself (not to mention it ruins you while you are alive).

>>851

You're right, it's a shitty coward's way to (not) deal with things. Minor update though. I was drunk in a park last night by myself, I continued to sit there drinking while my friends all went home. Then I go meet up with this girl in another nearby park to talk to her about shit and I broke down and told her basically everything you see here, then I cried in her arms like a bitch. Feeling hungover and fucking awful today. I'm a bad person!

I can relate to your story somewhat man. The feeling shitty about yourself part mostly.. i spent the majority of my high school and college years feeling like a drain on the world. Eventually i also went the route of therapists and doctors, bounced around different prescriptions for a bit.. eventually i took myself off them and tried self medicating with drugs and alcohol, etc. Naturally things only got worse as my ability to rationalize and focus became more and more clouded by partying and self doubt.. i'll spare you the details as im sure you're familiar with that kind of life... im not sure who or what triggered it, but one my 23rd birthday i woke up and decided that im tired of feeling shitty and believing i suck at life. I was tired of never completing what i started. So. I decided to challenge myself everyday to try and actively improve my situation. Fast forward 3 years later, im 26 living on my own for the first time. I finished a culinary program and have an accociates degree i can take anywhere in the country. It doesnt matter what you eventually end up doing, its the path you take to get there. It starts with a decision to want to get better. Tell yourself little lies in the mirror like "i am handsome. I am smart and witty. People like me." Or whatever works for you. Eventually you'll start feeling better about yourself and your situation because you'll be able to see the lighter side of it and that should make you want to put forth the effort to keep creating those feelings and situations.. it snowballs. You just have to get it started and convince yourself that thats what you want because you deserve it even if it starts out as a lie. It'll lead to a better, more fulfilling and far less painfully depressing life... at least it did for me. Might not work for you. Life is unpredictable and some

>>854

Thanks for the reply. You're right, I know what you're talking about all too well. I've started getting fucked on benzos and it makes me say really stupid shit to people that I forget. Not even like "boo hoo I'm depressed" but like just being a dickhead in general, at least that's what my friends tell me. They said it seemed pathetic, and I suppose it was. Benzos seem bad I guess?

Your life could be better; it could be worse. I read a lot of what you wrote and please don't take this the wrong way, but a lot of it is in your head. I think therapy will be a good idea for you because it will show you how to think positively and to see value in things.

Yeah it's in my head alright. Unfortunately that's also where I find myself. I haven't gone to work in weeks, and I don't know or care if I have a job any more. The girl I mentioned in previous posts now lives in the same house as me, and I just woke up from sleeping for 16 hours. I'm starving but I don't wanna leave my room to get food, that's how shitty I feel. Yay life!

I was on antidepressants for about a year, and it was the shittiest year of my life. I went from being a skinny fuck to a fat fuck, I slept way too much. Sometimes I would sleep for 12 hours, then I would get out of bed and shower, and suddenly a wave of tiredness would hit me, and I'd go and sleep for another 12 hours. So for me, stopping the antidepressants was kind of a good idea. Well anyway, I ain't telling you to quit the antidepressants (it can be dangerous)... But it worked for me.

Anyway, regarding the whole 'being a loser thing'. School can give people scars that they carry through their life. I know this through personal experience. When you are bullied, you are 'trained' to think a certain way. Eventually you settle into the pattern of believing what people are saying about you. I am telling you now, that shit isn't true. You need to teach yourself to believe it, though. Like the other posters have said, these problems you are talking about are coming from inside your own head. There is no external reason why you can't turn things around.

As for this girl. Well, you need to move on, basically. Yeah, I know, it's easier said than done. When I was younger I tended to fixate on a single girl. Over the years I've learnt that there's no such thing as 'the one'. You will grow to love any person who you spend enough time with.

In all seriousness, the psychologist is probably telling the truth when he says that you are smart and handsome. What a person sees in the mirror is completely subjective. I didn't realize I'd lost the weight until people started giving me compliments. It's one of those retarded things in life... It's not so much the appearance that matters, but whether a person has been 'groomed' to see himself positively or negatively. And I shouldn't have to mention this, but whether or not you are ugly has no bearing on whether people will like you or not.

Anyway, the psychologist will probably give you what is called Cognitive Behavior Therapy, CBT. I have done this before. It's basically an extended version of all the shit I just wrote. Once you stop hating yourself, you will hopefully be able to focus on important things. Good luck.

>>874

hey, thanks for the response. i really appreciate anyone talking to me about this, because sometimes, even though I (very luckily) do get to talk to a couple of different people about it in real life, i like to be able to vent my feelings in this sort of setting, where i can be another nameless story. the therapist i'm seeing is starting me on some cbt-based exercises, things for me to do/think about when i find myself feeling particularly terrible. i haven't actually done anything he's told me to do yet, since i'm an idiot, but i feel like i will do it some day soon. i know there is no such thing as "the one" or whatever you wanna call it, but holy fuck that does not change the way i feel about this person right now. i'm incredibly attracted to her, both mentally and physically. she comforts me when i'm feeling down, she doesn't hate on me because i have a thing for her, she talks to me even though i'm probably being overbearing and weird, she's excellent with kids (for some reason this really drives me nuts call me crazy), i've liked her for years and everything just keeps building up and i keep feeling like if i give this up all my energy expended pining for her was for naught and fuck i dunno, i think she's fucking beautiful, the sexiest woman i've ever had the good fortune to be around. if i can't love this person then i'm pretty sure i don't want to be alive any longer, as stupid as it sounds. i just can't imagine being able to cultivate such a close bond with someone else ever again, since i'm so fucking socially awkward and i just think i'm disgusting and stupid and rather unpleasant to look at. i dunno man. i don't have a job, i live with some dude who goes out with the girl i've been in love with for years, emasculation and humiliation waits for me around every turn and i can't get a fucking break. i just want to feel that special feeling that i can only get half of by myself, the sense of intimacy that i truly crave and spend most of my days trying to ignore and snuff out. it comes back though, stronger every time, because each day feels like another wasted opportunity. while life careens onward i'm stuck in the same rut, dragging my heels, getting older, becoming shittier, missing out on crucial life experiences, and man it just fucking sucks. this is a big run on paragraph and whatever, i'm fucking drunk and i just wanted to post something.

this is a double post and i'm sorry but i just want to reiterate just how much it fucking kills me that i am a 24 year old virgin with no relationship experience whatsoever. it makes me feel less than human, i see myself as missing out on possibly the best part of life. i just want to be young and love a pretty girl who is nice to me. why is it so fucking impossible to be happy? sadness flows like a fucking river in my mind, where is the joy? is there even such a thing, or am i some kind of sissy bitch with a misguided notion of some noble virtuous love that doesn't even exist outside of fiction, my complete lack of experience in the area guiding me to my own downfall? why am i so fucking shitty and melodramatic about this crap, why do i hate myself so much holy fuck

>As for this girl. Well, you need to move on, basically. Yeah, I know, it's easier said than done. When I was younger I tended to fixate on a single girl. Over the years I've learnt that there's no such thing as 'the one'. You will grow to love any person who you spend enough time with.

Quoted for Truth.

I need to add this :

Please stop drinking. I had similar problems with you (unemployment,virginity, one of my friends was a major wanker) and I had a mental breakdown one day because I was drunk. I actively tried to fight him and I kinda choked out one of my actual friends. I also talked to them about my suicidal thoughts which mostly lay dormant.

Anyway I fucked up... what helped me get back on my feet was :

A) I stopped drinking alcohol. My father was an alcoholic and became addicted at around my age (24). I vowed never to drink alcohol again.

This helped me in the long run but there were days where it was extremely painful. My head would not shut the fuck up. It was filled with intrusive thoughts of inferiority, suicide, rage and stress. My muscles randomly twitched it was fucking horrible.

B) I started exercising regularly. It gives me a goal. Plus I think it will help me get laid. So I am investing my time in a sense.

C) I deleted facebook. All these people put on a facade of how awesome they are and how great their lives are. It kinda made me feel insecure for no reason.

D) I started talking to my parents a lot more. I mean think about it. They are people who love you (hopefully).

E) I actively started applying for jobs. If you insist, opportunities are going to present themselves. Just be prepared for lots of rejection.

Anyway all is relatively good for now but the first 7 months were fucking hell, so try and soldier through and remember there is hope.

Last poster is right. Stop drinking, totally if you can, it only makes you sink in doom and gloom.
Exercising is good, it makes you feel good, endorphines and stuff. Maybe jogging? Eat healthy, fresh stuff if you can.

The drinking, exercising and food stuff is very practical, it WILL make you feel better just because it's good for your body, and not because you're down. It would be a good base to build on, at least in my opinion.

Don't obsess over your virginity, don't make it the ultimate goal to lose it. If you get close to someone at one point, don't go all the way too fast, build it up over time days, weeks, months, your call).

Regarding the girl, I'm sure it's fucking hard to get her out of your head (even more if she lives with you). Maybe you could try to look for the qualities you attribute to her in other people? Once again it's very practical, but I guess than rather telling yourself "She's not that great, she's not unique" or "She's inaccessible, stop thinking about her.", you could try to work the other way around and see what brings the other girls to her "level"...

Smile, it's good for you (and agreeable to the other, who may be agreeable in return).

Easy to say, but don't focus on the past. Put yourself some goals. Travelling, maybe? Is there any place you have always wanted to visit? Keep moving, don't stay at your place. If you feel like staying alone, take a good book or a magasine or something and go read under a tree if there's sun...

The point is, change tangible things, concrete aspects of your life to affect the way you feel. That's what I did.

OP here. Nothing much has changed in the last couple months. I just come here to register my complete and utter sense of despair. I was seeing a therapist for a while, then I kinda stopped going. I dunno man I can't stop feeling like shit. I'm sick of feeling like nothing is ever going to change for me, and I'm scared to try anything new. There's no actual reason to feel this bad, I truly do not understand it. I'm the only person I know who has never had a significant other, and I can't stop thinking about it. How the fuck am I supposed to "act natural" and not focus on it when it's such an obvious fucking gaping hole in my life? What fucked little box have I squished myself into, what imaginary rules have I made up for myself that I don't even know about that are ruining my life? I want to feel alive, I want to feel in love with someone and actually be able to act on it, rather than being stuck in love with a girl who I'm sure must be so sick of my bullshit by now. My response to the ground giving way is to clip my wings, and I don't know why. I'm a stupid, ugly, pathetic waste of space and the day I die can't happen soon enough. The longer I'm alive the more it sucks. This is usually where I'd apologize for whatever reason but I don't give a fuck. See how shitty I am? This is why I want to die. I want to die because I think about killing myself.

>>908

I wake up from being blackout drunk with reminders in my phone to kill myself at the first opportune moment. Nothing puts a damper on your day quite like half remembering why you're gonna spend the next half hour on the toilet performing one of the few human functions you actually bother with. It's scary to get "texts" from yourself where you are compelling yourself to commit suicide. I'm fucking scared, and lonely. I need my ass kicked. I need to go to a place where I don't have friends and a loving family, a warm place to sleep and all the food I could reasonably want. I need to go somewhere where I don't get pity jobs from friends who know that I only do the bare minimum to get by, and that my focus week-to-week is on getting to Friday, so I can chase myself down a drain again. The booze isn't the problem, I am. In my inebriated state I sometimes find I can almost meet people in the place where normal, not depressed people are. It feels so foreign. I'm so fucking depressed that my guts are churning all the time. I'm envious of everyone around me, because everyone seems to be happier than I am, or at least more competent in managing their own sadness. Fucking hopeless inept entitled undeserving brat piece of shit. I deserve to be dropped into Syria or some other fuckhole warzone so I can realize how terrible life can actually be for people with real problems. I'm a defective person, and I will never do the right thing. I gave up on myself years ago.

You put so much focus on a relationship when it won't change shit. I've fucked multiple guys who were depressed and suicidal and thought I was the answer. Guess what they were our entire relationship? Depressed and suicidal. Shocking. You just need something to focus on obsessively to distract yourself and you've chosen a relationship/sex because it's unknown to you. Sorry if this came off as harsh but I've already been there too. I was so obsessed with having sex and so depressed about being a virgin and all of it was so anti-climatic. I'm still depressed as shit even though I could get laid easily. Work on improving yourself. It's the only lasting satisfaction I've had.

>I was seeing a therapist for a while, then I kinda stopped going. I dunno man I can't stop feeling like shit. I'm sick of feeling like nothing is ever going to change for me, and I'm scared to try anything new.

Look, you intellectualise the fuck out of everything just like me. WHATEVER you do, you will find problems with, and you will be able to get back to feeling shit. You need to plough through this motherfucker and say something like "I don't care how uncomfortable I will feel, I don't care that I am scared to try new things, and I don't care that I don't know if this is working or not" and you need to get on with practical physical things. I'm not talking about exercise! I mean things that are not about intellectualising, things that are not about verbalising.

Go back to your therapist, make a commitment to eating well, make a real and consistent effort to get out of the left brain and into the right.

You are the only person that can change this; it's entirely possible and entirely doable, but the first cut will be the deepest- you just need to press ahead despite this.