Hello /docta/.

I've got some troubles I'd like to share.


I experienced an overload of negativity around me at a young age, an alcoholic father, a schizophrenic half-brother, a physically violent brother who despised me and a mother with too many people take care of and too many problems to disguise.

In some ways I found the best escape from it all, and yet the worst.

After countless nights of listening to my 19 year old half-brother screaming, hitting walls and throwing things in the next door bedroom, scaring me to death, my parents telling me to ignore it and go to sleep. I did just exactly what I was told, I ignored it and closed off all my feelings, locking away the fears, the disappointment, the regret, the guilt and along with it all the emotions worth living for. I locked away my feelings of joy, happiness, love, passion and many more. It didn't happen instantly, but gradually I closed them more and more off.

It relieved me of all my worries, whenever my half-brother was shouting about suicide, standing with a knife to his wrist threatening to take his own life, it didn't scare me, I simply ignored it as I had been told.

Life became easy.

But I long to one day be able to sincerely and truthfully forgive my parents, they are great people with nothing but love for their children, I know this.
And I long for the day that I can find someone that I can love each day of my life, to share my life with.

As of now I've never even had feelings for anyone in my entire life.
I don't know the true me.
What are my passions?
Do I like boys or girls?
Is the real me someone that the world will even embrace?

I don't know these very basic things about myself that everyone else seems to have figured out by this time of their life.
And here I am all alone now with only a handful of friends left, spending my time trying to actively waste time and make the days go by faster.

The friends I had, that helped me through many tough times, now all gone because I can't commit to anyone other than myself.

And some might comment on that I long to have feelings which in itself is a feeling. But the truth is, it isn't for me. The longing I have is basically a need to validate my primal needs in someways. I have the need for sex, but generally to all genders, but if I can't care for anyone these needs are hard to satisfy.

Some very rare times though, I'll turn around and see a beautiful girl, I'll hear a touching story or some other random event.

It is then, that I feel a kick to the chest, with all the pent up emotions hitting me like a heart attack making me loose my breath, and all the fear, the joy and everything else wrapped up together shoots through my whole body and dissipates into nothingness as quickly as it had come from nothing. And I'm back, an empty body with only its thoughts left, its same thoughts that has been running on for several years. That kick feels amazing though, but it only lasts for a mere second and its been 2 years since I last felt it now.

I would like to apologize for all the grammars, but then again this is my second language.