I don't even know if I'm looking for any particular advice, but I've got a lot of my mind need some perspective. I fucked up. I destroyed the only serious relationship I ever had because I was immature and cowardly. In one person I've squandered the single person I loved more than anything else and my very best friend. I've shamed myself and I don't know if I can ever find absolution.

Here's what happened. In January, X. and I took a trip. It was going swimmingly, but I didn't ave the courage to talk about a big thing on the horizon for us as a couple. It really hurt X and the trip ended sourly. BUT, a week later we reconciled and things seemed to be heading in the right direction again.

But, well, I'm dumb and they weren't. In early February I got a (full-time) job, and X. got accepted into a new school program. I should have been up front, I should have went to her and talked about what would happen, but I was scared and didn't know what to do. See, part of the contract also meant that I'd owe a large sum of money to the company if I left before a certain time period (the company paid for various clearances for me.)

What happened next is unforgivable and worth warning before hand. I caught a bad cold the week before starting the new job (second week of Feb.), I went over to see X. anyway and we had sex. She had asked me to come over, that evening, and I was concerned that she'd be upset if I told her I was too sick, especially when I had felt fine that day and thought myself to be over the cold. I feel as though I forced myself on her, when I should have been responsible and excused myself. I am a rapist.

X. came down with my cold, missed a school interview as a result, and me, thinking she was mad at me, didn't reach out to her. She would later tell me she had just wanted me to do just that much. We broke up in the third week of February.

We had previously split up once before, but were talking again a week later, so a week later I tried reaching out to her via email but received no response. I tried twice more via text, and still received no response. She and her sister have blocked me on Facebook.

I feel like shit. Honestly, I want to be dead. I deserve it for what I did to her. I feel like I sold her for a meaningless job when I was at least stable, if very broke before. I want to reach out to her and apologize, but I don't want to force her to have to be brought back to that. I want my friend back, but know I'll never have that again. And I want to be mature enough to move on, but I can't and it's eating me up.