I'll make my story as quick as possible, maybe somebody can offer some insight that I haven't already gotten. Thanks in advance.

I fell in love with this girl a couple years ago, but I barely knew her. I ended up pursuing her and becoming her friend, but she friend zoned me. Back then I was fat, a recluse, socially inept, bitter, distanced, and asocial to say the least. I went through a lot of life changing experiences, both because of her and outside of her, and I've emerged a different person over time. Throughout the past two years we have gotten closer and closer, where our entire friendship was built over trust and honesty.

We shared the deepest details of our lives, including our suicidal thoughts, struggles, depressions, worries, anxieties, etc. She and I have helped each other grow as human beings. She's younger than I am. She's gone through multiple relationships, I've stayed single and sexually frustrated.

I told her my feelings originally, and she dismissed it as not knowing enough about her. Over time I've gotten to know more about her, and I've had many adventures in my car with her, but nothing has really changed. I've seen her go after my friends, I've heard stories about her from other people, I've heard her called slut, etc. I don't know if all of that is true, or if she is a tease that has left behind a trail of pissed off men (and women).

Regardless, we have been able to stay friends through a few stages of ignoring each other. The last few she has ignored me.

About half a year ago, I lost my virginity to an old friend. I told her everything about it, and she was holding my hand and seemed rather excited about it. Later, as I was getting out of her car at my house, she blurted out "I love you" as she drove away. I asked about it later and she seemed distant about it.

We started holding hands more towards the end of her last relationship, and we had more intimate conversations. I've considered myself asexual up to this point, but I actually feel turned on around her. She has anxiety issues and she seemed to have a hard time looking into my eyes, but over time we were able to have much more intimate conversations.

Towards the end of last year, I was at her house and she had taken a shower. She was in just a bath towel, and that was turning me on more than I've ever experienced. She later was downstairs cooking in just shorts and a tank top, and I completely switched something on. I came from behind her and embraced her, but realized that I shouldn't have done that. Fast forward a few days later, she's telling me we can't cuddle or hold hands anymore, and she needs space.


So, a few months go by of her ignoring calls and texts. I slowly started to get over her, and then she called me on my birthday. She's in a different state now, and she's a lot lonelier than before. We immediately went back into our intimate conversations, and it was as if nobody was mad before. I slowly started being able to flirt with her, and she wasn't as standoffish to it. We even had some sexual conversations. Eventually, however, she started saying that if we meet up again that I have to promise not to try anything. She stated that she has no attraction to me.

She started talking about a new love interest, and that was where I decided I can't do this anymore. I told her that I can't continue on this cycle of wanting her and never having anything, and she got really upset about it. I finally was able to talk to her the other day through text, but she seems very hurt.

To her, I'm her:

'Soulmate'
'Closest Friend'
'Somebody she loves, but is not in love with'

I've been in this friend zone, typical situation that you see people complain about - being in love with their friend, never going anywhere, etc. I decided I need closure, so I told her the complete honest truth about the past two years, all of my feelings, and how I can't keep lying to myself that she will end up with me eventually.

I can't get her out of my head. It's been two years of this. This same situation has played out multiple times. There are other girls at my school who seem interested in me. I'm starting to get hit on in public (I'm dressing nicer, I've lost weight, I'm grooming myself, I'm working out, I've gained significant amounts of confidence, I understand women better through talking to her), but I am always clinging to this hope that she will end up with me. I know that it's pathetic, and delusional, but that doesn't seem to matter much.

I probably left out some details, and I'm sorry if this came off with improper grammar or a whiny undertone. All of this has left me pretty drained of hopes for anything else to happen for me. I've lost my preconceived notions of love and intimacy, and I'm pretty disillusioned. I'm working on my future through school, and I'm getting my life out of the gutter from being on the edge of suicide and in the darkest place you can imagine.

Does anyone have something to say about all of this? I've thought it over many times, but I'm obviously too biased in my opinion. I'm embarrassed enough posting this, but I guess I'll have to sacrifice my dignity again.

Thanks.