/docta/, I need your help big time.

>tl;dr My closest friend is pretty much the only person in my life willing to help me rebuild myself and I am afraid my emotions and my impulsions will tear us apart.

I have this close friend of mine. She's 21. Let's call her Maria.

I am a 25 year old guy. To put you in context, we met in a youth shelter when I was 19 and homeless. As I met her, I felt like we got along great and kept contact since after the shelter. Eventually, life got in the way and we have been in contact on and off. Along the road, I developed feelings for her. We had sex once because we were drunk and we never really got into any type of love relationship before or afterwards. I was always very protective of her. I always bailed her out because making her happy for me was like reaching heaven. I even bought her once a 100$ grocery shopping on my tab and gave it to her at her doorstep because I went once to her place and she had nothing to eat for herself and her cat. She couldn't get money because she was unable to find a steady job and had no working experience. I then dug into my college fund and payed her that grocery cart without asking anything in return simply for the fact that I felt she was precious to me. I also often accompanied her in parties to keep her ''in check'' because she is dependant on any type of affection and would do anything to feel loved and pretty much fall into any trap that had some form of love as a bait (if that makes any sense).

Fast forward to now where I lost all the friends I had made back then after a break-up. I then got back in contact with her to change my mind. Since then, she has become very beautiful as a woman and tends to have pretty much anyone she wants. I got at some point to tell her my feelings for her and I got pretty much a no-answer as a reponse rather than the friendzone thing. What I mean by that is that she often told me about her sexual excapades and she never said no to the possibility of us sleeping together again but she also says I am like a brother to her.

Also, another thing out of the ordinary for me is that although she knows I have feelings for her, she does not take advantage of me. I seen other women play with my feelings before asking me to get her this and that and if I do, they'll hang out with me. I often was never met with anything more than holding hands or a kiss. They knew I would be a sucker for them if they played my game in telling me they have something for me too but I found out sooner or later they never did. Maria never begged me to give her anything, not even remotely in a subliminal way. Hell, she invites me on her own to her place and shares me her weed when I come over and she feels for smoking.

I told her recently I have been feeling blue and alone since February. I told her about my personal situation and how I feel. She is the only person I am emotionally open to unconditionally. She responded by telling me if I ever (emphasis added about she emphased it herself) feel down to send her a text message to chat. She has shown herself very supportive of me. She has been coaching me like I was coaching her years ago. She is also aware of my victory and losses and how I am generally very distrusting of people. She knows I am aware of I feel and how I work to resolve the issues I have. She is also aware I might lose trust in her at times out of reflex as I do with other people. She always responds in a calm and caring manner although I know it makes her upset. I know because she told me. She told me a few times it makes her sad that I keep doubting her word and how she cares about me. She still encourages me nonetheless because she says I am important to her and she has more self-control than I do because we share similar disorders such as a borderline personality.

I sometimes feel uncomfortable when I speak to her and I have let her know that because again, I have feelings for her. She usually cheers me up but I don't want her to be my main focus for self-worth and happiness. I was telling her today about this topic and yes I do text her often and she brought it up. She was still comforting but direct in how that she knows I am telling her my concerns and I tell her often. She didn't mean that as an accusation but I took it that way. It had rubbed me the wrong way because I have to explain here that she also knows that I am very impulsive and I initially saw that as a form of rejection. She soon followed by ''We'll talk later during the day.'' which felt for me like a ''Yeah right, you will.'' Reason is that the group of friends I known for years that I was with when the break-up happened told me that ''I should seek counciling (which I did)'' and they would not abandon me while I did but of course, they did. I never heard from them again. So when Maria asks me to trust her and when she rubs me the wrong way and then tells me that we'll pick up the conversation later today, I feel like she won't and it saddens me because I want to believe she will call me up on her own to ask me what's up but every inch of me tells me she won't. Since my friends left me, it left a mark in me to never trust someone, not even her who begs me to trust her.

I am fairly certain she won't ask how I have been doing although she said she'd follow up on the issue and ''we'll talk about it later today''.

What should I do? Not only for today but for the future. She wants me to trust her and I want to trust her. The only concern I have is that my constant skepticism will ruin the greatest friendship I have.