I usually try not to talk about my own experience on this board, but in this case it may be useful.

Once you've been conditioned to have a particular emotional reaction to something, it's really hard to shake it. It's normal to still have these reactions after a month- in fact, I still have similar echoes (though, thankfully, much weaker ones) from a relationship of mine that ended two and a half years ago. We haven't spoken in two years, but I still sometimes get a negative twinge when I indulge in something she used to disapprove of. Even though I know that her disapproval came from a selfish place (a desire for control over me), I wanted so strongly to make her happy that it didn't matter.

The kicker? I've shifted the source of this imaginary criticism to my current partner, despite the fact that she's never been critical in the same way.

Obviously you and I are different people, and you may not go through the same thing, but I thought it might be useful to let you know that it may not go away on its own.

Anyway. Moving forward, I think it would really be healthy for you to cut off contact with her. She clearly still has emotional power over you, and if you want to reduce that, keeping her in your life is a bad idea. This isn't about punishment; you're the one who's granting her this power (although it doesn't sound as though she's in any hurry to help you get rid of it), and I recommend cutting her off to make it easier for you to deal with it. I understand why you want her to stay in your life (again, because I've been in a similar situation), but I believe that it'll just be counter-productive to your moving on.

>Moving forward, I think it would really be healthy for you to cut off contact with her.

Yeaaah, like I said, I got back into contact with her last night. The conversation went like this:
Me: "Hey, what's up?"
Her: "Not much, I thought you weren't talking to me?"
Me: "...We agreed to start talking again after a month, right?"
Her: "C'mon, think of a better lie than THAT!"
Me: "Oh, hush, seriously, tell me how you've been."
[conversation becomes pleasant, stays so for 20 minutes]
["So I heard you got pretty wasted at New Year's..." random bitching out for getting drunk on New Year's, tells me getting drunk is only for immature people, peppered with some passive-aggressive jabs]
[conversation becomes pleasant again, we arrange to meet on Sunday]

....Yeaaaah, maybe you're right. However, we have a ton of mutual friends and a we go to a lot of the same venues and nightclubs (we're in the same "scene"/subculture in our city), so cutting off ties could cause shockwaves among our social circle. How would I deal with that shit?

>cutting off ties could cause shockwaves among our social circle
Have you been hiding your breakup? If so... that's a bad idea.
If not, then your mutual friends are already talking about the two of you, so... the shockwaves are already there. Remaining in an unhealthy relationship (which includes friendships) for the sake of social harmony is an equally bad idea. Especially one that is damaging your ability to enjoy your life.

>How would I deal with that shit?
With resolve.

Ask your friends to be respectful and not invite the two of you to the same place together at the same time. Surely they'd understand, given your history together. Do you always all hang out together? Would it be impossible to go to clubs without her?

>Have you been hiding your breakup? If so... that's a bad idea.

We actually hid our RELATIONSHIP from our friends for the first good bit of it. We haven't told ALL of our friends yet, she wants it to be a gradual process (why, I do not know, but I'm just gonna roll with it).

>Ask your friends to be respectful and not invite the two of you to the same place together at the same time.

That would mean we'd have to miss out on... well, everything. That's how close we were as friends before we became a couple, and that's how tight-knit our specific social circle is. As for our local "scene", no, I don't HAVE to go to the club or to concerts with her, but she will be there at all of them because we're both major parts of it (she's a DJ, I do some promotion and am an overall fixture of the community). So we'd still be seeing or even possibly working with each other a good bit. Ending this civilly is going to be hard because of this.

>>2244
My general advice is, at the very least, stop hiding this from your friends. There's no reason whatsoever to let people know gradually, and this sounds to me like just another exercise of control over you.

As for how to navigate your social life post-breakup, I guess I don't really have any more advice for you. Obviously you've got a particular dynamic going on with your friends, and I can't give you advice that's specific enough because I'm not familiar enough with your social group. Sorry. I do wish you luck, though.

>control

Man, no matter what advice chan I go to, no matter what subject my therapist and I talk about concerning her, that word continues to pop up. I guess that no matter what I try, everything she does will be simply be another strategy to rein me in and have me wrapped back around her finger.

God, this is gonna hurt like a bitch, but as Lao-zi said in the Tao Te Ching: "Care about another's approval, and you will forever be their prisoner."

Hey man, I helped you in the last thread. Nice to hear from you. I don't know why she's so controlling but you probably need to continue forgetting about it. If she's just going to criticize you, then talking to her isn't exactly a brilliant idea. She's just hating on you because she can't do what you can do. Lo and behold, she is once again being a negative bitch throughout whatever situation she's put in with you. You need to either be confident enough that you don't take it to heart, or get away from this attitude. Don't forget that all the people you go out and drink with- they are people that support and don't have a problem with this as a way of spending time. You normally don't say "it's acceptable to go out and drink a lot" unless you have to defend something.

So yeah she'd kind of out of touch with reality. In regards to the social situation, the absolute best thing you can do is be relaxed with it. You have a right to do and say what you want, but after a breakup there is one thing that can be your friend. That one thing, is not being a dick. And I mean it seriously, if you say that you're sorry it didn't work out then people realize that you're not a dick. If someone comes up to you and says "Hey man, she told me that you called her a bitch all the time and told her that she was fat, and that you've got a small dick and three balls." and then you can reply calmly by saying something like "I'm not sure why she's saying that, I guess she's still hurt or something." then people can quickly work out who is insane.

I hope I help you.

> You need to either be confident enough that you don't take it to heart, or get away from this attitude.

Yeah, tough choice to make, my man. I cherish her so much but, hell, if I DON'T take that shit to heart, she gets mad. I know that sounds strange, but maaaan is it true.

>"it's acceptable to go out and drink a lot"

Well I'm not saying THAT... I actually only get drunk on special occasions. Actually, she didn't used to get onto me about drinking at all, but a couple of weeks back she herself got really trashed and was sick for 2 days afterward, so now she's on this whole "OMG GETTING DRUNK IS IMMATURE AND STUPID" spiel.

But, I digress... Your other advice is quite good. Thank you. I just hope things will get better between us, because at the end of the day I love her and she is one of the most formative people to have ever entered my life (and she once saved my life too).

OP here, with an update

Well, we sat down and had a talk. Shit was hard, and pretty intense, but I finally stood my ground and she seemed to begrudgingly accept my emotional independence from her. I think we're still gonna remain acquaintances (be Facebook friends, say hi to each other at events, etc.) but I don't think we're going to be the BFF's we once were ever again, sadly. It hurt a lot, but this morning I gotta say I woke up feeling quite energetic and like I'm ready to go back out and LIVE again.

(pic related, my face when I was layin' down the line)

>>2294
Glad to hear it dude. You've done something difficult and grown as a person. You're also now far more prepared for another relationship, in terms of knowing what your needs are and being able to identify red flags early on. Though I don't know if you're interested at all in another relationship at this point, but regardless, you're better off for having done this.