First things first, ultimatums are terrible ideas and rarely ever do what they're intended to do. Think of it this way, an ultimatum is forcing someone to make a decision based on leverage the person issuing the ultimatum may have on that someone. If that leverage (or power) disappears, or fades, things start happening that the ultimatum was meant to prevent.
The relationship swing she made with someone else for a rebound may have been caused by a traumatic experience she had while she was younger. I'm almost thinking that it's one of those "self fulfilling prophecy" type of deals. She thinks that she doesn't deserve or isn't capable of doing something to the point that her negativity prevents her from doing anything that will push her in a positive direction. If she's been conditioned to think that she's not deserving of you (which is possible, if we take her history with her dad into consideration), she'll try to push you away just to help her meet that expectation of herself. If there's really this plethora of issues involved, she should get some therapy for it.
As for your way out of it, don't stick with the ultimatum. If you stick with it, she'll end up doing something that will hurt you even more in the future that you wont' see coming. Instead, talk to her more and see if you can see how she really feels about the thing. There's a lot of repressed feelings and getting at them can really upset people, so proceed with caution.

>>1505
i know the ultimatum is a bad idea but it's been the only realistic (as in, something i am capable of doing) solution i've thought of so far.
i never really thought of her self-destruction as a self-fulfilling prophecy, but i think you're right on with that. she is and has been to several doctors, is on several medications, and has gone through multiple attempts at therapy. in the spring she joined the schools rowing team which has helped her immensely. it gave her responsibility, interaction with others, and just generally something to do. she's told me how these things have been such a positive influence in her life. i'm truly happy that she has found something that gives her this. i bring this up because rowing is now her medication, and i think it's a definite step towards her getting better.
i know the ultimatum is a horrid idea. i'm just so lost and hurt that i don't know what else to do. we can always talk pretty openly about most anything, it's just that she has this perspective that i feel like i have to decode sometimes, the way she looks at the world. but anyway, i don't know if i'll have enough time to talk to her enough and resolve anything since she's so busy with rowing and i am too, preparing for school and working.

and then there's the part of me that thinks she just won't want me anymore, and i don't want that part to be right.

op here, on a side note, i'm on vacation and i want to buy her something. is this weird or will it be a nice gesture? i'm not trying to sway her by buying shit, i just want to give to her. i think i will.

>>1510
I can't tell you if it's weird or not; I don't know your motives behind it. If you reevaluate your motives and it all still seems fine to you, chances are it'll be fine and within the zone of normalcy.

>>1509
Well, don't let that part of you become a self fulfilling prophecy and you'll be fine. A little negativity can go a far ways.
Also, talk to her about the self fulfilling prophecy. See if she has an epiphany. I know I did when I learned about that concept.

I think being with this girl and continuing to care about her is a bad idea, because it seems fated to not work for many reasons. I know it seems like there will never be others, but there will be. I've been there-ish. And because I have, I know saying this means nothing to you. So do what you have to, but try to keep in mind it might not work out. Resist pouring all of your efforts into her if you can. If she says no again, it will hurt even worse.

can anyone explain this?

about a week or so after seeing her i rapidly began to lose interest in her. i last saw her about 3 weeks ago. i couldn't explain this if i tried, but something about after seeing her made me just fall out of love with her. it didn't happen immediately of course, it took time for it to set in. the first few days after i saw her i was really worried and pensive and in the state that made me write the original post. i still loved her. then as we tried to make plans she would keep giving excuses for not responding or being able to. and then she said she was grounded and i haven't heard from her since (12 days ago). by now i've been thinking about her a LOT less, and i've pretty much accepted the fact that we won't be together.

i'm almost concerned that i'm getting over her so quickly, what's going on? i'm not saying it's a bad thing, it's most certainly one of the best things to happen to me in a long time, but it just seems so unexpected. i thought i got over her once before and i'm hoping this time it's for real.

>>1589

When you step-back from something, you are able to see it more clearly, or wholly- and in these cases we can think and feel more clearly. Don't worry about it.

SAGE has been used.

Hey doc.

It's me again. It's been about 11 weeks since I've made this thread. Since then I've done my first quarter of college, met tons of new people, and lived 6.5 hours away from home.

I STILL can't stop thinking about her. I talked to her for a few days ago, and that was it for the whole 11 weeks. I'm not even sure what to say. I've resolved to try to get a girlfriend in the month I have before I go back home, because if I don't I'll inevitably end up seeing her.

I just don't know what to do, my brain is screaming to let go and move on, but my heart isn't letting me do that. I'm so torn. I know I shouldn't but I can't leave. I figure if after 17 months of trying to let go, including dating other people and living in another state (school) can't fix anything, what can?

My best friend who is the only person I know who gives good advice doesn't like the girl at all and will hardly even talk to me about her. My family isn't very fond of her and neither are the few friends I have.

Against all odds I think I'm still in love with her. What do I do??

*sigh* get away from her. Don't have contact with her. You have been incredibly clingy, trying to plan a future 5 years ahead, seriously? She doesn't want to hurt you because she cannot stand the feeling of being guilty, but she just doesn't want to be with you. That's why she half-hartedly blames you "you're too good for me" basically means: "I'm hurting you, but it's your fault!" This is why you're so confused and still think of her because she's tricking you into that thoughtpattern that she actually wants you but for whatever reason she cannot, which is just a lie, period. She doesn't want you, get used to it!

>>2046
This. Your story reminded me of a particularly silly chapter in my past and four years later when I finally told her all the crazy I had been harboring she actually laid it out for me like that. Kind of, girls never express themselves articulately. Just like that the veil lifted and I was free to make peace with the rejection.

A thing I learned from Dr. Drew is that you need a cohesive storyline in your life that you feel lead you to the person you are today, and traumatic or incongruous events disrupt this story line and cause unhealthy thoughts. That is to say thoughts that in some way negatively impact the quality of life of the thinker.

So the important thing here is rationalizing the entire situation in a fashion that you're comfortable with. Coming up with an "I overcame this challenge here and learned these lessons" type thing. The important thing is that your storyline right now is stuck on being with this girl, and you somehow need to rewrite it to exclude her, preferably taking some two bit advice to hand out to other people from the whole ordeal.

Also don't worry about your "heart"

That shit's all in your head anyway.

doc, this post is 15 months old and i'm still having trouble with this girl what do i do someone help me.

i know it won't work and never will but there's a part of me that doesn't want to believe that, who always says "what if?"

they say that when you find someone you love, you hold on and you don't let go, and it destroys me that i didn't hold onto her.

i also don't want this to get pruned because every so often i come back and read it.

>>2854

>doc, this post is 15 months old and i'm still having trouble with this girl what do i do someone help me.

Take the advice you have been given.

>i know it won't work and never will but there's a part of me that doesn't want to believe that, who always says "what if?"

You will spend your entire life wondering "what if" and you will not live a damn second of it; you will be thinking about the realm of possibility (endless) rather than world that we live in.

>they say that when you find someone you love, you hold on and you don't let go, and it destroys me that i didn't hold onto her.

Can you find specifically who they are? I'm sorry but holding on and not letting go is a perfect way to justify being miserable and taking a lot of shit from other people. As in, not respecting yourself and resigning yourself to a life of misery.

Look, if you don't stand up and deal with this shit yourself, you'll get so boring and lazy that you'll start believing in 'fate' and that you'll have another life, or other lives, in which to meet her and you'll make it into a gigantic heavy mess that stops you enjoying life. It's impossible to truly know what you want, because we only have one life and we can't try out all the options before we make the ultimate decision.

You are not the exception, you are the rule. Please, put down this thread, close your laptop, and get on with things that you like doing.

listen up anon

you will find someone better

maybe you already know someone

did anyone else go to college with you? maybe go to the same college first?

this isn't 100% but if your friends are good friends and telling you not to think about a girl

they're probably right.

think about it this way: you're a healthy, worthwhile individual, maybe with a few quirks and exploits built in

you're attracted to this girl but she doesn't reciprocate. what's that mean?

it means you're attracted to her qualities, not to her.

my usual approach is to all-out, knowing full well that it will never work. in my experience if you look closely at people everyone hedges their bets. everyone. I just try to go one better on some level and double-reverse-hedge. probably I'm not as good as I like to think I am. like, girls might be all 'Oh I'll make you happy forevar!' and then hours later start with the physical abuse. this might be tainted, assholish thinking but my policy is just to stick to my own 'I'll make you happy forevar!' attitude, and then eventually say: 'No, I'm a worthwhile person, and this isn't working. Idk what's going on but you need someone else, not something else. gtfo.' Alternately, I just talk to them about what we're doing and they end up admitting the exact same thing. Yes, getting dumped is a skill in some situations. Some grandmasters are capable of effectively working this out on their own... and some sustain relationships this way, though I've never caught the trick of it.

SAGE'd... but just not to clutter up the front page. Godspeed, and may your better person appear quite soon.