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/docta/, /docta/, gimme the news
I've got a bad case of lovin' you.



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2867 No. 2867 hide expand quickreply [Reply]
How do you friendzone a motherfucker in a polite way
5 posts omitted. Click Reply to view.
>> No. 2972
He doesnt want to be your friend dumb whore
>> No. 2976
>>2867
"I'm really sorry, but I only like you as a friend."
>> No. 2977
Anti friendzone bullshit I read about online probably lead to me losing most of my female friends. Two thirds of relationships are started through having mutual friends. But none of my guy friends have any casual female friends because they hit on them all.

So basically just explain to him that if he doesn't act like a little bitch he is increasing his chances of getting laid in the long run.
>> No. 2989
>>2947
I said no and I explained why as bluntly as I could. He was visibly hurt, but it had to be done. We are still friends. I think he still has a thing for me, but I don't mind. I said I would do what I could to help him feel alright.

>>2981
lol I have no female friends
>> No. 3015
>>2989
remember what >2781 said:

>it will only work if they are a certain type of person or are capable of immense suffering

Be sure that he's actually fine with being friends, otherwise you're just being selfish.

You've got no obligation to date him, but he has no obligation to be your friend.


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2997 No. 2997 hide quickreply [Reply]
I'm not physically attracted to my girlfriend anymore.

Some background:

We met a year and a bit ago. She lives in my home county and I go to a university 300 miles away from her. I see her at holidays for a few weeks at a time and a few times this year we've visited each over during term-time. Long distance hasn't really been an issue for me, for the past three months work's been unyielding and until I finish my degree and get my life back, I haven't got time to be sexually frustrated. I'm not jealous by nature and we have a lot of mutual friends so I'm never worried about the other end.

The Problem

Each time I've seen her she's gotten a little bigger. At first I didn't care she was thick to start and got a little thicker, now she's pretty big and she doesn't carry it well. She has terrible habits, drinking a litre of coke a day, comfort eats when she's stressed and on top of that she's impulsive, she'll squeal and buy chocolate that catches her eye.



She came down for a couple of days recently, left on Monday, and there were times I really couldn't find her attractive, if she gets any bigger, i don't know what. I need to bring it up but I'm worried, given her behaviour, she won't do anything about it and just get pissed at me.

So how the hell do you bring this sort of thing up?
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>> No. 3003
This is a terribly tricky problem to solve.

If you didn't live so far away, you could pull the, "Hey, let's change our health for the better - together!" routine. That way, you could go to the gym or whatever together, so you know she's making a change. You could also try to establish healthy eating habits, but there's the long distance thing again.

Honesty is always a super great thing to have in a relationship, but you can bet on bringing up a woman's weight ENDING that healthy relationship in a heartbeat - if she's sensitive of course!

If the whole gym and healthy eating thing doesn't work, you could just tell her that you're concerned with her health. Try bringing up specific points about it such as soda generally being bad for you, stress eating ALSO being bad for her, etc. Have her focus in on you caring about her health. Not to mention, if she takes the whole "eliminating stress eating thing" away, then she'll probably pick up better habits that is going to make her more of a pleasant person.

I think you care about her health anyway, so I don't think you're entirely lying if you avoid the "I don't find you attractive anymore" speech.

Hope everything works out, man!


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2893 No. 2893 hide quickreply [Reply]
Drugs like melatonin and African dream herb can cause strange dreams.

When I first took melatonin 10 mg, I had two nightmares. In one, I was in a shower and there was soap everywhere. I began slipping all over the place and I grabbed onto a hand towel hanging from the shelf pole. I was still slipping. For some reason I tried to write a suicide note on the towel.
In the other nightmare I was in the lounge area of one of the school buildings on campus. It was night time and I was stuck to the ceiling. I had to roll away from the fire alarms because they were cooking me with microwaves.
When I woke up I experienced sleep paralysis and felt like I was having a psychedelic flashback. Then I started flying around campus somewhere and there was lots of snow.

I decided to take melatonin an second time. I had a vivid dream that took place in a shopping mall. In one area there was a salon out in the open. In another area there were green metal bathtubs shaped like exotic plants in the display windows. In yet another area there was a bestbuy type store and one of the rooms had a VR headset attached to an xbox 360 controller. The graphics were awful as was the viewing range, and I struggled to keep my eyes open.


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2894 No. 2894 hide quickreply [Reply]
I want to start logging my dreams. If I have multiple completely distinct dreams in s single night, should I start logging them all?

Also, when looking for meaning in my dreams re: what I'm thinking about, will they all be relevant or will it be mostly filler?
>> No. 2895
>should I start logging them all?
Why would you discard anything? What would that achieve?
>when looking for meaning in my dreams
Don't.
>> No. 2896
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2896
>>403
>Why would you discard anything? What would that achieve?
I have my first log. I have written small summaries of each dream as I woke throughout the night. I can't help but feel it would be better if I just had one big detailed entry.

>On Atlantis, (trading w/ ?ro) w/ 1500
---
>In HP universe planning reincarnation w/ evil witch as Hermione
---
>Met girl called constitution outside supermarket - got number
---
>Was CEO of car assembly line
---
>On Enterprise, met alzgrs(?)
>Hull = 1
>Saucer = all
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>> No. 2897
>>404
> I can't help but feel it would be better if I just had one big detailed entry.
It would be. You should write as much as you can with as much detail as you can manage.
>I just want some insight in to what I'm thinking and what's important to me.
The point is you won't find any of that in dreams
>> No. 2898
>>405
So what do you believe dreams represent?


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2899 No. 2899 hide quickreply [Reply]
Had an odd dream this past night.
It began with me visiting an island. On this island sat a grand cathedral that radiating a ethereal chorus that paralyzed me. I was here with two other faceless individuals. The music ceased and from the regal doors strode three individuals dressed in scarlet vestments. They wore masks, one was glee, the other depression, the center apathy. Striding down the stone steps they asked if I was willingly to accept the burden of horror and all that it offered. The other two with me shook heir heads and dissipated like cigarette ash, leaving me nodding my head. I expedienced a life on this place honing an ability to write horror stories as the three masked priests over saw me, and even had the opportunity to see my daughter born from a vessel they created for me. She was interested in the expression of dance. Any way I can go into more detail if interested, but the dream took place over the course of twelve hours.


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2874 No. 2874 hide quickreply [Reply]
Sup /doc/? I need some help/advice on how one is supposed to cope with a relationship that'll never be.

To shed some light on the situation, I met this guy in my English class, and we chit chatted, he approached me for purely physical reasons. We started hanging out a bit more and then he stayed over at my place because he was dropped off here for college by his parents then left with no place to stay. I was trying to be nice and offered him my guest room and whatnot. We slept together and I like him. He's the epitome of "nice guy" stereotype, he doesn't meet people he meets friends, social butterfly, and too nice to reject me.

So at this point we sleep together often, and I like him considerably because it's convenient for me to do so. We don't have much in common. We would never work out really. We act like a couple but we don't use that word. It's a whole cluster fuck of mixed signals. We're incompatible but it's so nice to have these feelings but it's false hope for something that'll never be. And he let's these feelings continue, knowing that it'll ultimately just suck for me in the end.

How do I stop this bullshit game without having to sever all contact? Is it even possible? How do I cope with all this?

Thanks /doc/, you're my only comfort in this situation.
>> No. 2875
The key thing you need to consider: do you want to keep sleeping with him? If you do, will it be good for you?

If you're having a good time having sex and want that to continue, then you should probably cut back on the couple-like activities, talk to him about boundaries, what he and you can/should do to avoid getting hurt and ensure that this is just a fun, physical sex thing for a while.

Your other option is to stop the sex. If you feel the sex and the mixed signals and other bullshit are intrinsically tied - which I think is the most likely situation, considering what you described re: mixed signals, etc - then you need to end the relationship as it currently stands. If being intimate with this person while knowing it will never develop into something else is difficult and confusing to you, then you should probably stop having sex.

This comes down to you: which do you think is the most important thing - the benefits of the physical intimacy, or the detriments of the mixed signals and the hurt feelings you're certain are inevitable? How do you think you can communicate proper boundaries with this guy to minimize the hurt? Does that involve ending the sex and transitioning to a platonic friendship? Does it involve not seeing each other at all any more?

If you're struggling with confusion and mixed signals, the best thing you can do is make a clear decision, set clear boundaries, and communicate those with your partner. Put an end to the games and bullshit. Is just sex OK for you? Or is having a relationship with this person not good for you? It's time to make a decision.


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2900 No. 2900 hide quickreply [Reply]
I recently had a dream I was being chased through a candy land-esque landscape by a naked Michael Jackson. The first thing I remember happening was my realization that I was dreaming. Upon full lucidity, I immediately spawned in a tall wooden tower in an effort to evade MJ. I climbed the tower and completed the shape puzzle, 3 diamonds in a wooden mold, which didn't end up doing anything at all. Then I leaped from the tower facing parallel to the ground, and turned erect just before impact to walk away unharmed. Michael Jackson hit the ground and sunk into it. At this point I woke up. I welcome any thoughts or guesses toward the meaning, because this dream was one of the more bizarre ones I've had and it left me pretty confused.
>> No. 2901
You landed on your erect phallus, cushioning your fall? I say!
>> No. 2902
>>367
I'm so happy you caught that. I would never have interpreted it that way otherwise but it actually makes more sense like that.


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2904 No. 2904 hide quickreply [Reply]
Sup guys, so I had a /dream/.
I will begin from where I first remember.

I was walking on a dirt path which was part of a network of many. These fields were amongst green fields, with the occasional hickory and oak trees lining the roadside. I don't remember these people very well, but I believe we came to a house and we were in a hallway with about 3 doorways in it, all with white doors. I remember something urgent was happening, and somehow, one of us was thrown through one of the doors. There was some sort of betrayal. One of the men I was with who had short, cropped brown hair, and beard trimmed tightly around his mouth, and glasses flying, fastly, through the door, body sideways and in a u like shape. The door went nowhere one would have expected. He was flung into a vast ocean. He splashed in the water, and he became drenched with cool water. I know, because it was almost as if I could feel it, as he bobbed atop the water.
The ocean was bright blue, tropical, beautiful, and the waves were large, swathing over him, yet he always managed to stay afloat. He just drifted there, like a dead man. A feeling of peace came over him, after that sudden urgency that had just led to his outcasting, he felt serene here, now. The waves rose around him, almost chaotically, yet there were no storms brewing in the sky, just bright sunlight. He rose with the waves, to it's peak, and he could see a beach there not far off. The wave nestled him to shore, and he crawled back ashore, looking like a shipwrecked survived, clothes torn and shoes missing.
I was with him again, and we saw that the beach was directly attached to the playground of my old grade school. There were children playing there. We were children again. The only thing off was that with the kids, there were dinosaurs splaying with them. They were their pets, and they played with them like nothing. We surmised we were in an alternate course of history and somehow, the dinosaurs had survived.
We saw a few off on the black having their dinos battle, almost like a dog fight, or a Pokemon duel. Me and my pal walked around the playground, disgusted with these dinosaurs. This was not how history was suppose to be. We set our minds to making things the way the used to be.

That's all I can remember.

This was one of the most vivid dreams I've had in a while. Now, I've read that if I continue to write down my dreams, they will become increasingly vivid. Is this true? What are some other things I can do to have more prominent dreams?
>> No. 2905
I started writing my dreams down at some point and stopped because it was so much work. I quickly started remembering every dream i had (like, within a few days) and got bored with having to transcribe trivial dreams. But I've had some very meaningful dreams and feel kind of like I'm connected to my dream state all the time, probably more than most people, so it may or may not be the same for you. That is also a really cool dream.


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2866 No. 2866 hide quickreply [Reply]
Is there a word for what women feel when they read harlequin novels which contain no sex, like twilight? It's definitely a sexual feeling, but it doesn't involve genitals. It is possible to enjoy such stories without masturbating or even getting physically aroused. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?
>> No. 2868
titillation, arousal


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2864 No. 2864 hide quickreply [Reply]
Hello /docta/.

I've got some troubles I'd like to share.


I experienced an overload of negativity around me at a young age, an alcoholic father, a schizophrenic half-brother, a physically violent brother who despised me and a mother with too many people take care of and too many problems to disguise.

In some ways I found the best escape from it all, and yet the worst.

After countless nights of listening to my 19 year old half-brother screaming, hitting walls and throwing things in the next door bedroom, scaring me to death, my parents telling me to ignore it and go to sleep. I did just exactly what I was told, I ignored it and closed off all my feelings, locking away the fears, the disappointment, the regret, the guilt and along with it all the emotions worth living for. I locked away my feelings of joy, happiness, love, passion and many more. It didn't happen instantly, but gradually I closed them more and more off.

It relieved me of all my worries, whenever my half-brother was shouting about suicide, standing with a knife to his wrist threatening to take his own life, it didn't scare me, I simply ignored it as I had been told.

Life became easy.

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>> No. 2865
Everything in life is uncertain, from your sexuality from the exact hour of your imminent death, your interests, etc.

Anyone with perceived certainty has just put up a facade to hide their own superfluousness. My advice is to stop blaming others for your shortcomings, seriously pursue virtue in everything you do and don't do, and to meditate on your impending passing, for this is the only certainty in life. Serious meditation on this sounds angsty, but it is one reliable way to get that kick. I'm not talking about "yea i'll die one day", imagine your organs decaying, loved ones grieving, what will REALY happen when you die one day.

I too know that kick you are talking about, and many people spend their lives pursuing it one more time. Only by living in the moment and stopping pointless rationalization like this will you be able to make that permanent, think about the things that make you feel fulfilled instead.

Live in the moment and dispel all illusions, take the cash in hand and wave the credit. Stop trying to rationalize everything in life. Good luck brother/sister, it's people like you that can live the most fulfilled and content lives if you take it seriously.


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2853 No. 2853 hide expand quickreply [Reply]
Yo /docta/,
Recently I had sex for the first time in 7 months.
*pause for standing ovation*
Only, all three times, I was having trouble getting hard and staying hard. This was happening in April, but I thought that was because I was having sex with a girl I was about to break up with. I don't know to what extent this is psychological and to what extent it is medical. I've taken a lot of prescription drugs (like SSRIs) in my day (although I take fewer now,) and I was wondering if I had permanent side effects from any of them. A similar thing happened to me the first time I tried to have sex; premature ejaculation has never really been an issue for me. I notice it's not as much of a problem when I'm not facing my partner and when I'm in complete control.
I didn't use a condom. I didn't have one, and I feel like if I had tried, I would have had even more difficulty. We had only been on two dates, but both took up the greater part of the day and by the end of our second she made pretty explicit indications that we were in the beginnings of a relationship.
Also she was really quiet. I'm used to some feedback so I know what I'm doing right. She was rough when we were making out, so I went rough during the sex (incl. choking,) and she didn't object. She said she came within the first couple minutes, which I found believable since she had seemed extremely aroused for the previous couple hours.
I haven't seen her since then, but we've made arrangements to meet again. Would it be gouache to begin our third date with sex (meet at her apartment; hang out there afterwards)?
This is only the second girl I've ever dated. I guess I'm seeing her next week. I would have liked to see her sooner but she said she wasn't available. Having to wait a week has made me anxious for some reason I can't really discern. Sorry if this was rambling. Any general/specific advice? Our conversation is still interspersed with some awkward pauses and sometimes I repeat myself, but she seems to really like me.
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>> No. 2857
It probably still is the SSRIs, even if your dosage is lower than it used to be.

Incidentally, you should probably get off those as soon as you feel you can. It will suck, and you'll definitely feel very depressed at first, but that's actually the hook with these things. Several studies have been released in the past year or two showing that antidepressants are bogus. That line you were fed about them treating your depression by preventing your body from burning through certain neurotransmitters? It turns out that there is only a statistically significant link between those neurotransmitter levels and depression after you start taking that crap. They've functionally made you an addict.

Since your dose went down, I'm guessing you're getting better. Good news: that was all you, man. The pills were a magic feather at best. Keep doing what you're doing.
>> No. 2859
I have a related problem /docta/ I'm on 4 SSRI's and for the last half year thing turns me on anymore. Downloaded and watched dozens of porn movies, read erotic literature etc.

Never had a girlfriend but this is a whole new level of low, I mean I can't even fap. The only time I get semi hard is from morning boners.
>> No. 2860
>>2859

See a doctor, change meds.
>> No. 2861
>>2860
Thanks for trying but the meds are working out fine for me and I'm afraid to reduce them. My doc says he'll slowly ween me off. That was 3 years ago. Isn't there something else I can do? I visited several docs and they all said the same.
Should I lose hope?
>> No. 2862
>>2861
I've heard it takes year until your libido is back to normal.


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1503 No. 1503 hide expand quickreply [Reply]
/doc/ i come to you once again.

here's the situation: for the past year and a half i have been deeply, madly in love with a girl. in the beginning, she had a boyfriend, and we started to become friends. we instantly connected and became very close. i was a super fucking beta and couldn't take any hints that she liked me. eventually she broke up with him and we started dating. one small but important detail is that we were never really "official" at any point. this was due to, in part, the fact that our relationship developed partway in the end of her previous relationship (her mother called me boyfriend #2, and no, we never cheated). but anyway, after she broke up with him we started kissing and saying i love you and all that mushy stuff that goes on in relationships.

she's not a very stable person. she was sexually abused by her father which led to a plethora of issues. depression, anorexia, GAD, OCD, and others probably. she's the most interesting person i have ever met in my life, she can always make me smile, i love her more than i have anyone else.

now about 5 months into our relationship a close friend of hers died and she ended up breaking up with me soon after that (this was last may/june approx). she said it was because i was too good for her, that she didn't deserve me, and that she didn't make me happy (all obviously untrue from my perspective). i was absolutely heartbroken. to add insult to injury, she almost immediately dating someone else. who has been obsessed with her for years. who she said she had no interest in. who lives 6 hours away. and she's still with him. for the past year i have been trying to forget her or get over her, or somehow move on with my life. i simply could not. i tried erasing her from my life, dating, anything. every single day i thought about this girl, there's nothing i could do.

i invited her over four days ago and we spent an afternoon together. we spent the afternoon catching up, talking, hugging. it felt like we were still in love and it was beautiful. i told her that i wanted us to have a future together. she said that i was going off to college in a month (she's a year below me). i told her it's only five years, and that there are still some 60-70 more after that. she said yes, there is life after college.

then i said "that's what i meant by future".

fuck did that feel weird saying, let alone thinking about. i saw her face go blank and freeze for a moment. she put her head into my chest and started crying and apologizing. i really fucking meant it, i want to be with this girl. i have been thinking about her non-stop for the past four days, she's literally consuming my life. i want her to be mine.

i don't know what to do from here, /doc/. here is what i want: she breaks up with the other kid, comes back to me, we have a LDR through college years, and then move into an apartment and spend the rest of our lives together. if she won't come back to me i don't want to waste my college years dreaming about her. the only way i see out of this is giving her an ultimatum, me, now and forever, or never. this is probably a bad idea but i don't know what else i can do without wasting my time. don't say that having a LDR through college is stupid, i know it is. that's how serious i am about this girl. i am willing to do this if i can have her for the rest of my life.
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>> No. 2046
*sigh* get away from her. Don't have contact with her. You have been incredibly clingy, trying to plan a future 5 years ahead, seriously? She doesn't want to hurt you because she cannot stand the feeling of being guilty, but she just doesn't want to be with you. That's why she half-hartedly blames you "you're too good for me" basically means: "I'm hurting you, but it's your fault!" This is why you're so confused and still think of her because she's tricking you into that thoughtpattern that she actually wants you but for whatever reason she cannot, which is just a lie, period. She doesn't want you, get used to it!
>> No. 2066
>>2046
This. Your story reminded me of a particularly silly chapter in my past and four years later when I finally told her all the crazy I had been harboring she actually laid it out for me like that. Kind of, girls never express themselves articulately. Just like that the veil lifted and I was free to make peace with the rejection.

A thing I learned from Dr. Drew is that you need a cohesive storyline in your life that you feel lead you to the person you are today, and traumatic or incongruous events disrupt this story line and cause unhealthy thoughts. That is to say thoughts that in some way negatively impact the quality of life of the thinker.

So the important thing here is rationalizing the entire situation in a fashion that you're comfortable with. Coming up with an "I overcame this challenge here and learned these lessons" type thing. The important thing is that your storyline right now is stuck on being with this girl, and you somehow need to rewrite it to exclude her, preferably taking some two bit advice to hand out to other people from the whole ordeal.

Also don't worry about your "heart"

That shit's all in your head anyway.
>> No. 2854
doc, this post is 15 months old and i'm still having trouble with this girl what do i do someone help me.

i know it won't work and never will but there's a part of me that doesn't want to believe that, who always says "what if?"

they say that when you find someone you love, you hold on and you don't let go, and it destroys me that i didn't hold onto her.

i also don't want this to get pruned because every so often i come back and read it.
>> No. 2855
>>2854

>doc, this post is 15 months old and i'm still having trouble with this girl what do i do someone help me.

Take the advice you have been given.

>i know it won't work and never will but there's a part of me that doesn't want to believe that, who always says "what if?"

You will spend your entire life wondering "what if" and you will not live a damn second of it; you will be thinking about the realm of possibility (endless) rather than world that we live in.

>they say that when you find someone you love, you hold on and you don't let go, and it destroys me that i didn't hold onto her.

Can you find specifically who they are? I'm sorry but holding on and not letting go is a perfect way to justify being miserable and taking a lot of shit from other people. As in, not respecting yourself and resigning yourself to a life of misery.

Look, if you don't stand up and deal with this shit yourself, you'll get so boring and lazy that you'll start believing in 'fate' and that you'll have another life, or other lives, in which to meet her and you'll make it into a gigantic heavy mess that stops you enjoying life. It's impossible to truly know what you want, because we only have one life and we can't try out all the options before we make the ultimate decision.
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>> No. 3064
listen up anon

you will find someone better

maybe you already know someone

did anyone else go to college with you? maybe go to the same college first?

this isn't 100% but if your friends are good friends and telling you not to think about a girl

they're probably right.

think about it this way: you're a healthy, worthwhile individual, maybe with a few quirks and exploits built in

you're attracted to this girl but she doesn't reciprocate. what's that mean?
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2932 No. 2932 hide quickreply [Reply]
How does one deal with one's own mortal Oblivion?
>> No. 2933
Personally, I think about it constantly. I've got plastic skulls in my room, I watch horror movies, I look at gore. I turn symbols of death into positive things. Doing this makes death more mundane and takes a lot of the fear away.
>> No. 2934
How are you dealing with it right now? I mean, how bad is your own oblivion freaking you out?
>> No. 2935
I'm taking a course on death right now, it's been pretty interesting. We've read essays by various philosophers on the topic of death. Epicurus has the most appealing view to me. The idea was something to the effect of: "As long as we are, death is not. When death comes, we are not. Therefore, death is nothing to us".

I don't think that death is something to brood over. Once you've thought about it and come to terms with it, that should be it. There are other more important things that your attention could be on. After you die, you will no longer exist and therefore can't really be concerned that you're dead. When you come to terms with this, death will seem really distant and for me, nothing to fear.


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2850 No. 2850 hide quickreply [Reply]
So last year around Christmas I had a falling out with my sister. We were in Las Vegas for the holidays (where she lived at the time) and were trying to have a fun family-filled Sin City extravaganza.

However, my sister ruined all of this. She yelled repeatedly at my mother and I about our incompetence on how to behave in "nice" establishments, bullied my mom emotionally and physically, drank constantly (but she was even worse when she was sober) and honestly just put a damper on the whole trip.

For me this was just the last straw. We had been getting along for a while before all of this, but she has no apologized for her behavior and shows no remorse whatsoever.

I don't like her anymore. Of course, I wish her a good life and peace and happiness, but everytime I'm around her I am reminded of what a selfish and shallow person she really is. I have no idea how to remedy the situation, and I'm not even sure that I want to do so.

However, the holidays are coming up, and I'm sure I will be expected to interact with her again. I would confront her with these feelings, but last time I brought it up she told me to go fuck myself and that I was a fat ugly worm who should mind her own business.

Why on earth would I associate with someone like this? What should I do at all?
>> No. 2852
It sounds, to me, like she might be going through a rough patch in her life. It's the only reason I can think of that could explain the behavior you described. It doesn't sound like she was provoked by you or your mother, so her negative feelings had to come from somewhere else.

I say just try to bear with her. Think of her as someone sick, not someone evil. Think of her inappropriate behavior as pus coming out of an infected wound. If you see her during the holidays, just try not to set her off.

You could try to figure out what her problem is and try to help her with it if she lets you. Or, you could leave her alone until she sorts her shit out. She probably won't be this rude forever.


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2846 No. 2846 hide quickreply [Reply]
Guys, I'm confused.

My ex and I broke up about a month ago, after dating for a little under five months. Basically, we weren't very compatible. We had a lot of communication issues and frequently misunderstood each other. Because we didn't have much in common, a lot of the time I would stress out over trying to think of things to talk to her about. Every now and then she would accuse me of never talking to her, and this fed into a cycle of feeling almost pressured to perform. Add to that, I knew that I was her first boyfriend and that she was pretty into me, so for a long time, I kept trying to force myself to feel something for her. Granted, I did/do care about her, it just never got to a point of strong butterfly feelings, which always frustrated me. As much as it sucks to say this, I just wasn't really happy in the relationship.

Then BOOM, fast forward to last Saturday, and out of nowhere I meet this really cool girl at a volunteer service day. She's a 25 year old alum from my school, and as we talked, we realized we had a bunch of interests in common. Also, and most strikingly, our conversation was super easy and comfortable. We exchanged facebooks and phone numbers, and are set to go out for a little hiking trip this Saturday.

I'm confused because I feel guilty. As excited as I am about getting to know this girl, I just keep thinking about my ex, and trying to figure out if I'm a bad person for all of this. As far as I can tell, she's still sore about the break-up, but personally I've largely gotten over it. I wasn't actively looking for a new relationship, and was kind of content to just remain single and focus on myself for a while. But damn, if I didn't feel something.

What do you guys think? Am I a horrible monster? Or am I as justified in my feelings as my peers have tried to assure me of?
>> No. 2848
Should you not move on because of repentance of a past relationship? I recommend just seeing where your new relationship goes with that new girl. Make sure it feels right and don't rush it.
>> No. 2851
>>2848
>>2847
Thanks fellas, I appreciate the support. By this point, I think my guilt has largely dissipated. I chatted with my ex briefly the other day, and it was plenty amiable. She seems to be doing well. Plus today I saw her hanging out with an old crush of hers, so if she's moving in that direction, that's cool too.

I just hope this new thing works out. We rescheduled to tomorrow night for coffee (our previous plans didn't sound "definitive" to her so she bailed), but we really haven't been texting at all. I'm not sure what to think of this, although I know she has a super packed schedule: nursing school, plus two jobs. Still, she sounded interested when we rescheduled.

Hopes are high but realistic!


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2809 No. 2809 hide expand quickreply [Reply]
Hello, typical girl problems here. I've been trying to find a girlfriend for over a year now, and taking girls on dates regularly. I'm an attractive and on the surface confident person, so I've never had any problems having one night stands or introducing myself to women in order to get a first date. The problem is that I can never seem to hold their attention, I am universally considered an "awful texter", I have interests that others might regard as a bit eccentric (quiz bowl, sailing, "weird" music, really into math, science, etc.) , and I can be a bit geeky at times. Whatever right? As long as I'm sure of myself I should find someone compatible. Nope, despite having dated more women over the past year than most of my friends have in their lives, I haven't managed to get even a third date with a single one.

It seems to me in my experience over the past year, having spent at least 1500$ on around 20 women by my estimation, with an inordinate amount of blowjobs and occasional sex, that the 21st century woman doesn't want a relationship, at least in general. Women want to be entertained, not loved or even appreciated. Which brings me to my question: How can I better entertain girls? I'm pretty sure that I'm losing a lot of points by not responding to texts within the hour, but I'd like to know some tips that will actually make a girl want to hang out with me. All of my interactions with the opposite sex are initiated by me, and I'm exhausted from putting all this effort into meeting modern girls who are more than happy to give me head on the first date but are terrified at the thought of any serious intimacy. Need tips for actually hooking 'em once they're already on the line.

tl;dr, How can I hold the attention of the opposite sex after initial attraction has worn off?
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>> No. 2829
Dammit, OP, come back and at least acknowledge that you read some of the fantastic and varied advice you received.
>> No. 2832
>>2829

Thanks for your responses everyone, a lot of what you all said is true. I'm holding these people to a double standard, and I need to do some self reflection to decide what it is that I want. To put it in a nutshell, I've been looking for deep connections while I am emotionally unavailable myself, lying to them to make myself appear better in both their eyes and my own.

The only point I would disagree with is >>2820 saying that dating is contrived. In this world of instant communication, I relish every date I go on. There is no better way to genuinely communicate with someone then to spend one on one time with them for a few hours, and many of the best times of my life have been precisely this. Yes it can be awkward and forced sometimes, but it's worth every moment to be able to express yourself without restraint with someone who cares occasionally, without the anonymity of the internet.

This is off topic, but it's easy for people to be open through text because the mode of communication acts as a shield, but on a date you are essentially laying your character down in front of someone in an act of relinquishment, both passively and actively being judged.
>> No. 2833
>>2832
Hey, OP, thanks for the response. Just to clarify, I didn't mean that dating is contrived in any kind of a negative way. Just that the whole structure of saying "I like you, you like me, let's go spend some time one-on-one to have a conversation in the hopes that it will eventually lead to meaningful relationship and/or sex" has some inherent awkwardness. But I, like you, relish that directness, even if it comes with a bit of awkwardness.

By "contrived" I meant that dating is a almost-always-necessary framework that we kind of step into for a while on the path to developing a deeper relationship with someone. And I, like you, enjoy that directness even if sometimes it can feel a little forced or awkward at first.
>> No. 2834
>>2832
And I should also say you seem very capable of compassionate self-reflection. Keep that up and you'll do fine.
>> No. 2849
I think that searching out for love is an some ways, a fickle thing to do. The best advice i can give any body about not just getting the girl, but the right girl is to focus on yourself and the life you lead alone. You will always bump into other people as you live your life. The further out you venture the more chance that you will meet that person. Sometimes that person you didn't expect at first, and sometimes its so instant that you feel punch drunk on infatuation. But at least in good time, i must believe that love is for the best of us all to experience.


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2940 No. 2940 hide quickreply [Reply]
When you say "I can't handle this stressed feeling":

*Say to yourself "What can I do to make myself more comfortable?"
*Some things to make yourself more comfortable include:
Stop chasing worry thoughts, because when you chase them they get worse and more worry thoughts appear.
Implement some coping skills: deep breathing, self talk, use your physical space (i.e. walk around), talk to someone, come up with a plan.
Mindfulness: acknowledge and accept that the worries are there, but them be mindful with another activity (read, listen to music).
Cut yourself some slack, remember you are doing the best you can under the circumstances.
Remember not to let anxiety control you, empower yourself - don't let anxiety trick you into thinking that your worry thoughts are important, don't let it win.

I'm getting all this from a packet my psychologist gave me, I will try to scan the rest of the pages tomorrow. Sorry if I forget!
>> No. 2941
The problem is that to make yourself more comfortable you need some time-- maybe one or two minutes of thinking and deep breathing. In stressful situations, that time is often not available. You can't leave in the middle of a conversation to go meditate in the bathroom.
>> No. 2942
>>935
You can totally take two minutes to go to the bathroom unless you're like in an interview or something.
>> No. 2943
>>936
It's a bit odd, but some people are too socially awkward to be able to pull that off.


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2938 No. 2938 hide quickreply [Reply]
/mind/ how do you deal with envy? I've graduated college, I have a stable job, but I'm still in debt from a credit card, school loans and a car loan, on top of the regular bills I pay. Half the time I'm okay, I can put money away, put it toward paying off my debt and get a beer with friends. I'm not perfect, but I'm learning to manage my money better and better and budget, even if it means that I can't go out as much as I'd like. The other half some big thing hits, like a medical bill or a car maintenance bill and I'm hurting for a little while. It's nothing that kills me for very long, but it's still stressful.

I have a few friends who tell me about their jobs where they're making 20k+ more than me a year, they're really smart, they're successful and seem to have a lot going for them. One of them is interviewing at Google and Facebook, another is head of his department by virtue of being the only person in his department. I'm still plugging along, working on getting further in my career. I know it takes time to gain experience, I know that life isn't fair, and I really don't deserve anything I don't earn myself. But when I hear any of them complain about not making enough money (all are my age) or someone else getting a promotion and making more than them, I get really frustrated and I want to yell "You are doing so much better than me and you're still complaining!" I'm battling this awful feeling, maybe I should say feelings. When I hear them say that, all I feel is my own failure because I haven't reached the point they have and I feel like they're just rubbing it in. I also feel that they're insensitive for bitching about that sort of thing when they have a good idea of how I'm doing. I don't want to resent them, I really want to be happy for them. Most of me is really happy that they are where they are, they've earned it, but at the same time I feel so envious.

How do I get over it? Do I keep thinking positive thoughts until that's my default? Before anyone says that I need to stop being an asshole, please know that I really am making an effort but I want advice on how to be better. I'm also dealing with depression and anxiety that are compounding what I feel and I've started seeing a therapist but it may be awhile before all of this can be unpacked.

I don't want to have a small meltdown on my friends for sharing their successes with me, simply because I'm not happy with where I am now. I want to know how I handle my feelings better.
>> No. 2939
I say tell them how you feel without having a meltdown. Just politely ask them to avoid the offensive topics when you're around.


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2840 No. 2840 hide quickreply [Reply]
/Docta/, how do I remove feelings towards someone I don't want to have?

There's a woman in my friend's group. She's beautiful, but other than that, we don't really have much in common at all, and our personalities would never be compatible in a relationship. Sometimes I dislike her greatly.

However, I'm crushing pretty hard on her. She's got a boyfriend who I both love and hate, so going for her isn't an option- not that I would want to anyways.

Why am I feeling this way and how do I stop it?
>> No. 2841
You're infatuated, son. And the best way to get de-infatuated is to be exposed to the lowest, most repulsive aspects of the person with whom you are infatuated.

And maybe become casual friends with her boyfriend. That can only lead to disaster, which is also good in this case.
>> No. 2842
I'm already casual friends with her boyfriend. Just wait for disaster?
>> No. 2843
Well if it's completely absurd to 'go after' her, and if you're not going to do it; then you don't have to worry about anything external going wrong.

Internally, you'll have to give it time. Your feelings will change. Your feelings don't sound exceptionally strong/solid because of the problems you find with this girl, so I don't think it would take a huge amount of time.

You can accept the feelings and move on, which is more constructive than trying to push them away.
>> No. 2844
Okay, so but if theoretically I went after this girl...

Since they have had recent relationship troubles and all...
>> No. 2845
>>2844
It would end in disaster even if she reciprocated your feelings and you know it. Think with your brain, not your heart. I say just try to wait it out, or try to transpose the feelings you have for her onto someone else who would be more compatible with you.

>>2843
It's possible to see a million important flaws in someone and have a strong crush on them anyways, j/s. Not all powerful crushes involve blindly believing that the object of affection is "the one".


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2830 No. 2830 hide quickreply [Reply]
So I'm really bad at dating. Lately, I've been trying to improve and I think it's going well.

Anyway, to the point. I met up with this girl I'm really attracted to last night. Before this night I had talked to her briefly every once in a while but not a whole lot. So I ask her if she wants to get drinks and chat. Yadda yadda we set up a time and place. When she gets there I stand up, give her a hug and we order her a drink. She's really easy to talk to. Like I'm talking some of the best conversation I've had. We're joking around having fun. After about an hour and a half she says she has to go. She's got work in the morning. Fine. I pay for the bill and she walks me to the bar I'm meeting some buddies at.

Here's where it gets weird. I'm really bad at escalating a night past friendship. I wanted to show her I was interested in her so I ask for her number. She says sure and I type it in my phone. But I feel like there was just an awkward vibe when she gave it to me. We hug again, awkwardly, she walks off and I go into the bar. Give her a text saying I had fun and we should hang again. No response.
Now I'm a little worried about not getting a response but I can deal with this as people don't always respond to every text. I'm probably just over thinking things but whatever.

The point of me posting here is just wondering what to do next. I just really need someone to talk to about the night so I can figure out what my plan is.
>> No. 2831
I would say the most important thing is to be clear from the get-go. When you asked her out for drinks, were you thinking/hoping it would be a date? If yes, why didn't you make that clear to her at the very beginning? If no, why not since you clearly are interested in something more than platonic with her. Honesty is important, both with her and with yourself. Are you interested in taking her out on a date date? Then be clear about that.

>Like I'm talking some of the best conversation I've had. We're joking around having fun.
Fun, relaxed conversation is great, but it doesn't automatically show or lead to mutual attraction. Just because conversation comes easily and is enjoyable doesn't necessarily mean you're flirting.

I imagine that the awkwardness with the number exchange/hug at the end of the night was probably the result of her realizing, as time went on, that this meet-up for drinks and chatting carried more expectation on your side than just two platonic buddies hangin' out.

>I'm really bad at escalating a night past friendship.
Escalating past friendship isn't something you do at the end of the night. It's not really something you "do" at all, it's not a move. That's not to say you shouldn't take initiative on escalating the relationship, by all means you should. But it's something you need to be clear about and get the ball rolling on very early. Ideally, make it clear when you ask her out for drinks that you are asking her out because you are attracted to her and want to spend some one-on-one time together. During the date, like I said, good conversation is one thing but it's not necessarily the same as flirting, playing, creating sexual tension, etc etc. Escalating past friendship isn't something you make happen at the end of the night. It's something that grows over the course of the date(s).

The key here is respect - both for her and for yourself - by being clear and honest about your intentions and having fun while doing it. Reading over this post, I'm making asking someone out sound like a dry, serious endeavour where you put on your most grim facial expression and recite an itemized list of your expectations. It's not. Be lighthearted, have fun. Really that should be your main focus. But make sure that she understands it's a date and that you like her. This doesn't involve cornering her and confessing your feelings or anything, but it means being clear about your attraction to her and your desire to pursue that more, if she is interested too.

Have fun but be clear too. It's actually not that much different from what you're doing now.

As for how you proceed from here, I don't know. The lack of response to your other text sucks and is pretty immature in my view, but also understandable; these awkward little situations can be difficult on both sides. Shoot her another text, saying you had fun and would like to see her again, see how that goes.
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>> No. 2835
>Give her a text saying I had fun and we should hang again. No response.

Maybe you do need to be a little clearer and suggest something different. If you've sent one text and received no reply, there's not a lot of meaning you can get from that because it's quite minor. Basically, don't worry about that too much.

If you called her and asked her out to dinner, or some sort of event, I'm sure that'd be lovely and nice and direct.
>> No. 2837
>>2835
>If you've sent one text and received no reply, there's not a lot of meaning you can get from that because it's quite minor.
Actually, there is a lot of meaning he could potentially take from that. It could mean she felt uncomfortable during/after their previous get-together, knows he's interested in her, and doesn't know how to turn him down. Obviously one not-returned text is nothing conclusive, which is why he should send another text and let her know he's interested in getting together again. If a second text isn't returned, that's a pretty solid sign she's avoiding talking to you, OP, as immature as that is on her end.

>If you called her and asked her out to dinner, or some sort of event, I'm sure that'd be lovely and nice and direct.
At this point, calling her and asking her out to dinner would be misguided. Send her another text, suggest meeting up for drinks or something similarly low-key and be more direct about your intentions in person, not over the phone.

A girl doesn't return his texts and the "lovely and direct" solution is to call her and ask her out to a romantic evening-long dinner date? If she's not returning texts, and was uncomfortable with an after-drinks hug, then that is coming on way too strong. That's like jumping from A to D, and skipping B and C. Text again, see if she's interested in hanging out again, and take things from there.
>> No. 2838
yay Uriah Heep
>> No. 2839
Alright guys so I ended up getting a text back from her. She apologized for how long it took and said she had a fun time too. I actually ran into her again later at a bar. Things weren't very awkward at all. We each complimented each other, chatted, and went our respective ways. We were both busy.

I think she may be interested but is sort of testing the waters. I talked to a couple of my female friends and the consensus was to wait a a week or until I run into her again, give her space, and then ask her out on a more direct date. Like to dinner or something. I'm pretty sure I'll stick with this plan. Thanks for all the help so far. You guys know what you're doing.


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